The Ultimate Fanfic: Welcome To Our Reality
by Wotse
Summary: A group project by Wotse. With all the stories we can remember and love. HP, LotR, PotC, etc... Several different series... no one was hurt during the making of the fic, except ron and our BRAIN!
1. S1: Prologue

Welcome to Our Reality

Bonjour, people. This is the prologue, you don't have to read it but I wanted to kill time… So, enjoy this. This is the Ultimate Fanfic… Because it is… Truly.

Chapter one is when something that has something to do with stories. I just wanted to write this. :D

Written by, your's truly, Roxanne.

Prologue

_Who is Tamara? Why should I care what Tamara did? The imaginary girl on page 73 has no life. She does science for a hobby, at will. The poor girl needs friends, _That's all Roxanne could think about the experiment they were planning on doing on 'Energy Resources'. She didn't care, why should she? Yes, the world was going to destroy itself but what could she do about it? _Nothing much, _She thought back, _I don't care how to use a goddamn Multimeter._

She couldn't believe that at that time last year she had been planning to do it for A level. How other people did it she would never know. She didn't try to understand how people took fun in such a boring subject. Every lesson she ended up doing homework for a subject of her choice to get herself at least one pass for her GCSEs.

Her mind wondered over her English, she couldn't decide on whether or not to kill him. She would probably get a higher mark with a tear wrenching death. Her teacher probably wou-

Her track of thoughts shut down as her eyes shut tight and her mind went blank. She had been leaning on the back two legs and as she blacked out, she fell back and smashed her head on the back wall but she was out cold and did not receive the pain.

---

_Why do I care? Why should I care? Why would I want to describe my non-existent boyfriend? Stupid non-existent boyfriend._

Ashlee continued to silently blame her non-existent boyfriend for all the problems life had given her. Including the fact she didn't have a boyfriend.

She listened to the badly spoken French and waited for the teacher to repeat it at double speed to hide up all the mistakes he made.

The world was getting too confusing; too many languages. So many children around the world were sitting in lessons learning a language they would never use and simply forget later. Why didn't they just make one language? Even then she would have to waste so many hours a week learning it and forgetting it the moment she walked out the room.

Damn that imaginary boyfriend that caused her so much trouble and that would never exist. He would never exist because she would never accept a boy to be her boyfriend if he caused her so much trouble. And this one didn't even exist, _Imagine the ones that do._

Maybe it was generally boys who were cursed. Boys were a headache. They were immature, stupid, childish… basically immature all over. She was fed up with boys; Ashlee wanted men.

For the next five minutes she dreamt of men. With their big muscles and with maturity! Hot… Forget maturity! Just the hot men with large muscles, with sweat falling down their six pack and firm butt… In uniform. Hot NYFD men, so much better then the NYPD. For no reasons except they were obviously hotter, as her calendar proved for the whole world to see.

She thought of the months in their turn, only getting to July before she forgot the next month and everything else. Her head flopped forward onto her closed book that was covered in old doodles.

---

Data… Information… Useless! All of that stuff was useless. What use was it to get her more confused about computers she never understood in the first place? None, there was no reason at all. No reason at all! They just wanted to waste an extra hour of her life.

All computers were good for was: homework; illegally downloading music, films, and show episodes; and direct unfiltered access to the internet.

The internet: a world of dreams. Where anything you wanted became reality. The freedom to look at all the drawings and read all the fanfics you wanted. The world was flattened onto a screen and you could get to any part you wanted. It was open and ready for you.

Except, you couldn't do it on the school computers. The filter hates hard-core porn… yaoi porn, obviously. Or just very detailed fanfics. It's just getting picky. There is nothing 'inappropriate' about sex and kidnapping adorable, innocent fictional characters who in the end always got raped. The main seme character was always in love with them and spent paragraphs at a time describing their eyes.

_What's wrong about reading about sex? How many hours do we sit listening to one teacher who is not afraid of putting a condom on a dildo? So, why can't we read about it on the internet? And their eyes, Lord, their stupid eyes! They are eyes! They work! Congratulations, you noticed the two holes in his head._

The stress bubbled in Taniz's mind and she allowed herself to get work up, ignoring her teaching telling her to go back because she had done all the work correctly.

She planned what to do when she got home. Internet or homework? The question had an obvious answer. Before she knew anything Taniz's head crashed into the computer and she collapsed to the floor.

---

Her throat was sore. Bekki stroked her neck with the hand her cheek wasn't leaning on. German was a bore. _What else is new? _A bore and a fuss. The added annoyance was her throat hurt and she couldn't pronounce anything and because of it her teacher told her to repeat everything.

Why did it bother him if she couldn't say words in German? Why did it bother anyone if she couldn't spell it in German? She couldn't spell half of it in English. Neither could any of her friends. _What a big help!_

Her chin landed quickly on the desk as she didn't noticed it slowly sliding off her hand. This caused the entire class to stare at her. She couldn't react to any of this because as soon as she brought her chin up, she banged it straight back down again as her mind went blank…er.

---

The fantasy was a live version of a story involving hot passionate sex.

She felt the gentle hands trace her slim body. The cold finger tips went down her knees, sending a shiver up her spine. Her hands went up the inside of her thighs. The face above her looked down at her with a somewhat awkward expression, as if scared of what to do next. She smiled, causing the lips to raise a smile, as the hands went higher up between her legs.

A sweat broke on her back as she was pulled out of the hot fantasy back reality of finding the goddamn area of a goddamn circle. Lexy wished she could go back into the passionately sweet romance she created. The problem was it would never be the same. So if she tried to imagine it again it might not be as good.

The first time was always the best. The first _real_ time was always the best. The first fantasy… Who could remember their first sexual fantasy? Unless they've only had one or two. The oldest one Lexy could remember involved chains. That was enough to remember. It was embarrassing.

The embarrassment vanished as every other thought did as well in her dirty, sick and twisted mind.

---

"Humans are destroying the world. We should all die. The earth was her before us, we shouldn't destroy it. We've killed millions of animals and have wiped out entire species."

That was the message the new science teacher was trying to ram into the students' heads. Jazz didn't get it. She got the science, not how the teacher could go on like that and then cause as much damage to the environment as everyone else.

But what did Jazz care? Her life was occupied enough with school, boys, and her over reactive imagination that tended to drag her attention out the room. She also had the randomness to have different types of nourishment floating in front of her and, if she was good, they would talk to her.

So she was always surprised when a sheet was stuck under her nose and she was suppose to know what it was on and what to do. But she didn't. It would then take a few minutes for the sustenance to appear to her again from the rude interruption.

They were never rude (the food, you understand), sometimes mildly impolite but it always liked the attention of one mortal human noticing it.

Jazz often wondered if they got lonely but never dwelt on the thought for long because she would instantly feel guilt.

Before she could dwell on the feeling at all, her forehead hit the desk and she fell into a deep sleep.

---

'Conceit, more rich in matter than in words

Brags of his substance, not of ornament'

_I'm understanding every other word of this shit. _Lora could only think as she stared down at her doodled copy of Romeo & Juliet. Shakespeare was fine when the English version was on the other page. Or when it was a film with Leonardo DiCaprio's shirt automatically coming undone.

But when people were mispronouncing Tybalt every time, Lora felt like screaming. Or maybe the fact her teacher made no sense. Either way, she hated English.

She always ended up circling what she wrote so the teacher would think she was writing more. To write more is to understand more. She didn't understand so she didn't write; the paper was filled with empty circles.

Maybe she should write something. Anything. It was a good idea. But her mind was blank. It was too cold, early and bright to think about anything; let alone a foreign book.

Hopefully by the exam she would be able to make sense of that one sentence and if she worked hard, possibly the next one with it.

_That's unlikely, _She concluded in her mind. She would have rested her head down if her teacher didn't shout at her for trying to get comfortable.

She had already started shouting as her head hit the side wall and gravity left her there.

---

Seven! Seven! Seven painkillers and ten tictacs later Lefanie still had a headache and breath to kill. Her guts had also decided to tie themselves in a tight knot and to not move.

She'd already missed the first lesson and she didn't want to miss the next. She ran the timetable through her head and came out with the decision that it was alright to miss that lesson.

The feeling was so bad she didn't feel like eating in case she was sick again. She would have written the feeling down and used it for her coursework if the only words weren't: _like shit._

Because that's how she felt and there was no way to sit, lie or stand to lessen the pain.

She had no idea how she got the suffering. It wasn't food poisoning, it obviously wasn't an STD, and she hadn't exactly gone out and gotten herself drunk. Except if she got herself so drunk she couldn't remember going out and getting herself drunk so she couldn't remember doing it.

Either way, it hurt. That was the most important thing. The pain. It felt like it would never go away.

But it did. But she'd blacked out before that had happened.

---

My hands are in pain. Especially since I have two bruised bones grumbles. Anyhow, this is the prologue of the Ultimate Fanfic: Welcome to Our Reality. This basically means you can not bother reading this, but if you want to, enjoy! But you already have!

This is obviously a group thing! Between the eight of us (Wotse rules!) so watch out for us:D  
Two notes:

Lora does understand Shakespeare.

Jazz does not imagine floating food… As far as we are aware…

Reviews please.


	2. S1: Chapter 1

Welcome to Reality 

Hello people this is Chapter one of the fanfic I hope you enjoy. We are doing this for fun and we hope you all enjoy.

First Chapter is written by: Roxanne the script writer (and the ending...). Ashley (moi) (who plays Ashlee, I am a girl in real life!) the description writer.

**Chapter One – Who, What, When, Where, How, Why?**

"Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!" A high pitched girl screamed. She was obviously scared otherwise her arms and legs wouldn't be wriggling and her body rolling on the ground. "It's touching me!"

"For god sake, shut the fuck up! You're giving me a headache!" Another young girl yelled. She was about fourteen, her dark emerald green eyes raged with anger towards her supposed friend. As she stood up, her long silver hair slightly tainted a light blue flowed in the wind.

Next to her was another girl. She was about the same age but was smaller than Ashlee. As she sat on the ground she groaned and mumbled sulking. "I don't get it! I'm not even the shortest one and I don't have a beard, ALSO I'm not a dwarf." But she wore dwarf cloths.

"Why me? Out of everyone here – no, in the world – why did I get … this?" A dark brown haired girl answered examining herself.

"At least you look nice! And you have a weapon!" The smaller one who was moaning a moment ago said.

"Nice? NICE? It's a godforsaken NAZI UNIFORM! It does not suit me! It is not allowed!" The dark brown haired girl shrieked. She stood up and stormed off over and far away form Taniz but still in earshot.

"WHAT!" A chocolate brown haired girl asked searching her pockets. "They could of at least provided me with food!" Her name Jazz … her favourite food Cheesecake … her personality … weird and crazy.

"Oh my god! Why am I in a pink ballroom dress?" Bekki a slightly younger member of the group asked, the one who had been rolling on the floor.

"Well at least you look lovely," Ashlee clapped her hands together, flicking some of her blue tainted hair out of the way, then stopping and looking at her unusual hair colour.

"Hmm why don't I get anything interesting? I'm just wearing normal cloths!" Lefanie sulked next to Ashlee who patted her head.

"Lefanie you have a tail," Another girl woke up, "And get off me you are heavy!" Lora pushed Lefanie off her as she sat up. Looking down at herself she found elven cloths, sighing she let it pass.

Lefanie looked shocked at what her friend pointed out to her. She started running round in circles like a dog chasing after its tail.

On the other side of where they all woke up, Lexy the youngest member of the group felt rather unwell. She had a massive headache and when she put her hands onto of her head she felt something funny.

"I need a mirror! I need a mirror! I need a mirror!" Everyone stared at her silently except Lefanie who continued the search for her tail. Finally Ashlee slowly gave her the mirror and when she looked into it …

There on top of her head was something soft and fuzzy in the shape of … cat ears? "What! … I have CAT EARS!" She growled looking worriedly at everyone who just thought she looked cute. "I'm so … so CUTE!"

"At least somebody got what they wanted" Mumbled Ashlee who decided to look down at her cloths. "Fucking crap of a dog!"

"Hey, I am a dog, I have a tail!" Lefanie argued.

"What am I doing wearing WILL TURNER'S clothing?" Ashlee looked at everyone. Finally her eyes fell onto Lexy; she was sitting on the ground trying not to laugh.

"Umm, Ashlee, I'm sorry but … HA it's so funny!" Lexy burst into laughter.

"Oh Lexy … might I add: nice outfit," Roxanne smirked as Lexy looked down to see that again.

"Damn it! Not again!" She sighed. Yes Lexy was in Sailor Moon's outfit... again

"Where are we?" Lora said looking around for the first time.

Lefanie stopped chasing her tail. All was silence. More silence …. Even more silence.

"I thought it looked different," Bekki said smiling, everyone just looked her.

"It's nowhere I've been before," Jazz said still searching her pockets for food but failing miserably.

Everyone sighed when they suddenly heard a very loud but far off scream. Wondering what it was everyone ran towards the sound. Finally after a long time of running, they came into a clearing where they found:

Jack Sparrow

William Turner

And Elizabeth Swann.

"What am I wearing?" Elizabeth asked looking at her black vampire outfit.

"What are you wearing? What am I wearing?" William Turned shrieked pointing to his Elven dress.

"It looks good on you" Jack Sparrow purred rubbing Will's arm in the process.

Will let out a sarcastic laugh and jerked away a little "Piss off!"

"My god! It's Jack Sparrow!" Taniz said in a rather posh voice which frightened all of us.

"That's Captain, you … Who are you lot?" Jack asked eyeing Ashlee.

"What's with the outfit?" Lora asked quickly to will.

"Be nice! Your's is as bad as his!" Lefanie laughed gaining a very hurtful prod in the arm by Lora.

"Yeah well … Well, your's is boring!" Lora smirked looking at the dog girl.

"That hurt!" Lefanie whimpered going over to Ashlee for comfort.

"Be nice children. We're in front of celebrities." Jazz nearly shouted elbowing Lora in the stomach lightly.

"Yes mother," Roxanne said in a sarcastic tone.

"Can we swap cloths? I don't think anyone if happy with what they've got" Taniz said holding onto Jacks arm.

"You can say that again!" Lexy added.

"It looks good on you Lexy … you are wearing it!" Roxanne smiled wickedly at her making her frown.

"This is not my fault!" A far off male voice argued.

"Am I meant to believe that?!" Another male voice argued back.

"YES!" The first voice yelled.

Legolas stormed in not noticing anyone else, who was being followed by Gimli also not noticing anyone.

"This is another one of your 'lighten the mood' plots. Wasn't last night fucking enough for you?" Legolas stopped walking and turned to Gimli. "I think you need to stop this sh-" Roxanne coughed.

Silence was upon the large group. Everyone was just looking at each other while Roxanne took a long swig of her beer which she found earlier on in her jacket. Legolas was wearing a 'New York Stars' cheerleading outfit while Gimli was wearing some sort of a fancy dress costume.

"This is interesting," Lefanie said.

"Very," Ashlee smiled.

Legolas spots Lora and walks over to her "Can I have my cloths back? I do not know what you where thinking –"

"You think I am wearing this by choice?" Lora argued pointing at her Elven cloths, "What about you? You're wearing an Elven Dress!"

"Can I suggest the swapping of cloths idea again?" Taniz said stepping in-between Lora and Legolas.

"Of course you may," Roxanne said sitting on a white rock.

"I suggest we swap cloths," Taniz said again not in the middle of a circle which the group created.

"Good idea," said Elizabeth and points to Gimli "Short stuff get out of my cloths!"

"When she," points to Taniz, "gets out of my cloths,"

Taniz turns to Jazz, "Can I have that please?"

"I want what Bekki has," Jazz just replied.

"Take it, I want Lefanie's," Bekki walked over to Lefanie.

"Fine. Elizabeth I get your's,"

"Deal!" Elizabeth said.

"Not now!" A voice said seemed pissing pissed off.

"Why not!" The second voice got closer seeming male "I'm in the mood and you've got the outfit." The voice sounded purvey and kind of aroused.

"We don't know where we" a figure known as 2-D walks in "are …" he stopped.

"Who cares?" A second figure walked in behind 2-D …. Murdoc "shit …"

"My thoughts exactly" Roxanne said. She took another long swig of her beer.

"Roxanne? Can I have his outfit?" Lexy asked walking up to 2-D "Please swap with me?" Her cat ears pricked up.

"Into that?! No way, I'd rather-" Murdoc covered his mouth smiling at the young girl.

"That would make a change. You've worn a girl's school outfit a lot of times. It would be different." He smiled again making Lexy kind of scared.

"Fair enough," Roxanne said.

2-D raised his eyebrows at Lexy. "Of course," He took Lexy's hand still eyeing her "Shall we?" He smiled.

"Oi!" Roxanne stood up, she walked up closer to 2-D and pointed at him, "No looking at her naked. No touching naked body parts. No kissing, hugging or any other contact of a sexual nature, got it?" She finished.

"Why should I listen to you?" 2-D argued back. Roxanne got out her gun and pointed it in his face; "Understood" was all he said.

Lexy, 2-D, Elizabeth, Taniz, Gimli, Bekki, Lefanie and Jazz go off to change.

Once gone Jack sparrow turned to Murdoc "Green guy –"

"Murdoc"

"Murdoc, I'm Capt. Jack Sparrow, it's nice to meet you. Can I have my cloths back?" Jack asked.

"I get your's," Jack just nodded.

Legolas turned to Lora and asked once again "So, can I?"

"I want his," Lora points at Will.

"I want the blonde's cloths." Will said kind of bored pointing at Ashlee.

"It's silvery BLUE! I get his cheerleading outfit then it's so cool" She smiled and laughed a little.

After the wondered off to change Roxanne was left alone in the clearing. Being bored as usual she took another long swig off the beer and fell off the white rock she was sitting on.

Roxanne regained consciousness to find everyone back except 2-D and Lexy. All around the group people where chatting or if you where Jazz she was still failing to find food in her pockets.

Ashlee sat next to Roxanne near the white rock, when something started buzzing in her ear. Reaching out she catches something round and cold.

"What the fuck?" She asked but was distracted after the next comment.

"What strange birds," Elizabeth said looking up to see things flying around.

Everyone looks up to see the flying birds and all goes 'wow', 'oo' or 'ah'.

"Wow. Birdies!" Bekki squealed.

"What kind of birds are those?" Lefanie asked her tail wagging.

2-D and Lexy joins them, both sitting together and looking up as everyone else was.

"Those aren't birds. They're people."

Elizabeth screamed and hides behind Will. Roxanne did the only thing she could do. Getting out her gun and shooting at the target … she misses.

"A little to your left," Murdoc whispered in Roxanne's ears making her shudder. She moved her gun to her left and fired the bullet, hitting something.

The body fell down onto the ground. Roxanne quickly runs up and points the gun in his face. She looks at him then puts her gun away and starts walking back to the group.

"It's just another Weasly" she commented as Ron groaned.

As Roxanne walked away Ron caught a glimpse (a very long glimpse) of her arse and shouted "Looking good Nazi girl!" Finally noticing Harry who landed behind him about five minuets ago. "Harry, it was a-" All you heard was a long 'SLAP' and a 'GROAN'.

Finally being finished with Ron, Harry walked over to the rest of the group.

"Who are you people?" He asked.

"Don't look at me. I don't know who they are!" Will pointed at all the other members of the group he did not know.

"How did you get here?" Harry tried again.

"No one knows," Lora said in a spooky voice trying to scare everyone … but failed miserably.

"It would really depend on where 'here' is," Lefanie the smart one mentioned.

"They don't know where they are?" Ron asked Harry, joining the conversation.

"No one asked your opinion" Harry spat, elbowing him in the stomach making him fall to the ground once again. "You seriously don't know where you are?"

"Can we guess?" Jack asked quickly.

Bekki started clapping and everyone looked at her weirdly "A game! A game! YAY!"

Ashlee walked over to Harry "Before we start the GAME" she said wiggling her figures "Is this yours?" She held up the golden snitch.

"Damn it! We lost!" Ron swore; before a loud cheer went up form somewhere near by.

Everyone except Harry and Ron walked quickly into some bushes to reveal the Quiddich pitch and Hogwarts in the background.

Lora "Miff."

Taniz "Wow."

Lefanie "How on earth …"

Lexy "Cool!"

Jazz was speechless

Ashlee "God …"

Roxanne sounding disappointed. "We leave one school to arrive at another,"

"Where are we?" Bekki asked, everyone looked at her, "What?"

"What's with all the amazement?" Will asked looking bored.

Jack turned to Roxanne and pointed at her beer. "I think I'm going to need some of that"

"Why?" Asked Elizabeth "Do you know where we are?"

"No I just want some,"

"Am I the only person seeing FLYING PEOPLE?!" Legolas shrieked thinking he was going crazy.

Lora "Miff,"

"I suppose I should take you to see the Headmaster" Harry said walking in threw the bushed.

"Yes we should." Ron said.

"Who asked you?" Harry spat at him, again, elbowing him in the stomach, again, making him fall to the ground, again.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

In the Great Hall, Dumbledore sat in his chair, while Snape stood beside him. His old features were creased, and his grey hair fell beside and behind his head. His legs where crossed as he lent back into his chair, stroking his chin. Harry, Ron and everyone else was stood on the steps before him looking interestingly at the headmaster.

"Interesting," Dumbledore noted stroking his chin.

"What is, sir?" Snape asked.

"Just the more I do this. The more hair comes out." Dumbledore stopped stroking his chin. While everyone tried not to laugh.

"What about them?" Snape asked.

"Them? Who are they?"

"We don't know, sir," Snape answered.

"You're asking me about people I don't know. Useless." Dumbledore sighed.

"That's why I'm asking you, sir" Snape said slowly.

"Find them and stand them in front of me and I will answer and question." Dumbledore waved his hand seeming falling asleep in his chair.

"I have, sir."

Sitting up quickly he glared at Snape "Well, why didn't you say?"

"I did, sir" Snape points at the group "They're there,"

Dumbledore leant forwards to take a good look at the group, leaning back he whispered to Snape "Funny looking bunch, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir." Snape said quickly.

"Who are they?" Dumbledore asked again.

"We don't know, sir" Snape replied.

"Then you should find out. You could have done that before you got me out of whatever I was doing. You had plenty of time to do it earlier. You can't do anything right, can you?" There was silence "Answer me!"

"Well, I can-"

"Are you calling me a liar?" Dumbledore got red in the face.

"No. sir." Snape whispered.

"Then you can't do anything right, can you?" Dumbledore smirked.

"Sir-"

"Are you arguing with me?" Dumbledore got red again … he looked like a tomato.

"No, sir." Snape whimpered.

"It seems you are. If you're not, then say you can't do anything right."

"You can't do anything right" Snape copied.

"No … say 'I can't do anything right'" Dumbledore got louder.

"You can't do anything right" Snape copied again.

Dumbledore got irritated. "You're close to losing your job. Do you like your job?"

"Not particularly, sir" Snape said plainly.

"Hmm … what about these people?" Dumbledore asked again.

"These people, sir we don't know" Snape said again.

"Well, ask them"

"Ask them what, sir?" Snape asked.

"Anything," Dumbledore said in frustration. He lent back in his chair to calm down.

Snape turned to everyone else and asked "What's your favourite colour?"

"Something other than that" Dumbledore muttered with his eyes closed.

Snape once again turned to everyone else "Favourite animal, perhaps?"

"How about, why they're here" Dumbledore's voice got annoyed.

"I don't like that question, sir" Snape said sheepishly.

"Does that really matter?" Dumbledore scratched his belly.

"Just a bit, sir"

"Just ask them who they are," Dumbledore started to massage his forehead.

Snape once again turned to the big group who looked … pale, amused and well scared.

"Who are you?" He finally asked.

"You know who I am. I'm Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster. Why are you asking such stupid question?" Dumbledore argued, sitting up straight and curling his grey hair around his figures.

"Because you told me to, sir," Snape said sheepishly.

"I did no such thing!"

"Yes, you did," Snape snapped back.

"Are you arguing with me?" Dumbledore narrowed his eyes until they where slits.

"No, sir."

"I think you are. I should punish you …" He sat there thinking for a while. "If only it where legal." He sighed.

There was silence around the group. Everyone just kept looking randomly at each other while Dumbledore sat in his chair stroking his chin. Snape however got rather bored.

"Red," Bekki said, everyone just stared at her.

"What are you talking about?" Taniz asked.

"Red, the colour … well, at least I think it's a colour." Bekki thinks.

"Yes, it is a colour" Ashlee started. "Why did you mention that?"

"Why red?" Bekki asked. "Because I like red, it's bold and bright-"

"And a blank," Murdoc finished.

"Exactly," Roxanne said taking another swig at her never ending beer bottle.

Dumbledore turned to Snape and looked at him weirdly "Strange, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir,"

"I mean, red is a horrible colour. It's too bright and it looks like blood. It means war." His voice went cold then quickly turned softer "Purple on the other hand is a lovely colour. What does purple mean?"

"I wouldn't know, sir"

"You don't know much do you?" Dumbledore smirked when Snaps face grew a little red.

"Actually, sir, I do"

"You're arguing again. Purple means royalty," Dumbledore said showing off his purple robes.

"Why are you wearing it then?" Snape said with an edgy tone.

"Why did I employ you again?"

"I don't know,"

"You're useless, aren't you?"

"I suppose so, sir,"

Dumbledore was confused "Suppose you're what?"

Silence took over the group once again. Everyone was getting quiet bored and started tapping their feet, fidgeting or just drinking beer like Roxanne.

"Frogs," Bekki said, everyone rolling their eyes.

"What about them?" Jazz said sounding interested.

"Or chipmunks," Bekki said thinking once again.

"What's a chipmunk?" Will asked a bit confused, everyone tried not to laugh.

"It's like a squirrel," Lora said quickly.

"What about them?" Taniz started to get bored.

"Either frogs, chipmunks are my favourite animal. Or radishes." Bekki smiled widely.

"Radishes?" Lefanie asked.

"Yes radishes, they're so cute and friendly." Bekki clasped her hands together.

"Radishes are a vegetable." Lefanie stated. Bekki stopped smiling and started sniffling. After a while she turned into tears and ran to Ashlee for comfort.

"You're so mean Lefanie, no more dog treats for you," Ashlee patted Bekki on the head.

"Why must you hurt me this way Lefanie?" Bekki cried.

"Yeah, what's your problem Lefanie?" Lora said walking over to hug Bekki.

"Is it really important?" Snape asked.

"You destroyed my hopes and dreams!" Bekki carried on crying, every so often more and more of the group would gather to comfort Bekki.

"Is this really necessary? I would love to know where we are." Murdoc butted in.

"You crazy green person! You're at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore sounded shocked, but managed to say it smiling wildly.

"And where exactly is that?" Elizabeth asked.

"Answer the nice lady, Snape" Dumbledore ordered.

"In Britain," Snape answered sighing.

"Where in Britain?" She asked, crossing her arms.

Silence.

"We're not too sure,"

"Useless, aren't you?" Dumbledore muttered.

The door to the great hall opened and Gandalf walked in.

"Move it. Move it!" Galdulf said pushing everyone aside.

"Oi watch it!" Ashlee shouted but he ignored her and walked on.

"Albus, How are you?" He said.

"Good, except I've got these" Dumbledore pointed at the large group, "people and he's" pointed to Snape "my helper. Ridiculous isn't it?"

"Gandalf?!" Legolas asked walking up to the front of the group.

"Hello Legolas, everything alright?" He asked his old friend.

"Not really, I don't know where I am" He looked confused but smiled shyly.

"I thought we've already been through this?" Dumbledore sighed.

Elizabeth turned to Legolas "We're in Britain," she put simply.

"Where's that?"

"And I thought I was dumb!" Bekki whispered.

"They've never heard of Britain, idiot. They probably never heard of Europe." Roxanne stated matter-of-factly.

"Who's that?" Bekki asked.

"How did you get here?" Gandalf asked the group.

"Not a clue" Lefanie said smiling.

"And she's the smart one" Jazz muttered.

"What's the last thing you remember before being here?" Gandalf asked trying to get a "I-don't-know" answer.

Lefanie "Pain,"

Ashlee "Je m'appelle,"

Roxanne "Death,"

Lora "Shakespeare,"

Jazz "Food,"

Lexy "… Do I really have to say?"

"I think you know," Legolas whispered to Gandalf.

"Same," Gimli muttered.

Legolas turned to Gimli, "Pervert".

Elizabeth "Will."

Will "… Anything but."

Jack Sparrow "Rum,"

Bekki "Think ... um?"

Taniz "The internet,"

"What's that?" Gimli asked.

"You don't know what the internet is?" Lefanie said nearly fainting, but was caught by Taniz and Lora who were standing nearby.

"What is the internet you speak of?" Dumbledore asked making it sound so magical.

Lora "Miff,"

Ron turns to Lora "What's that?

"Shut up, Ron," Harry pushed him aside.

"Why are you taking this so personally?" Ron asked rubbing Harry's shoulder.

Murdoc turns to Gimli, as Ron started the conversation with Lora "You seriously don't know what the internet is?"

"No," Gimli answered.

"Do you know what a computer is?" Murdoc tried.

"No."

"Ouch," Lexy whispered.

"Your telling me," 2-D said grabbing her arse and squeezing it making her squeal. Roxanne looked over at them they both went quiet and pale.

"Got a clue what their talking about?" Will asked Legolas.

"No,"

"So where are you from?"

"I think we've found out we're from different worlds, so I won't try to explain" Legolas ended the conversation.

"Msn?" Murdoc asked, at the same time as 2-D pinched Lexy's butt.

"What's that?" Gimli was getting bored now not knowing what things are.

"Messenger? Windows?"

"NO!"

"You and your Nazi-girl crap!" Harry shouted, as Roxanne did a cold stare in 2-D's general direction after pinching Lexy's arse.

"It's not my fault! You can't control your ginger freak!" Roxanne said, as she heard herself getting mentioned.

"I am not a freak!" Ron shouted at Harry.

"No one asked you!" Harry spat back at him.

"Why is she so overprotective of you?" 2-D asked Lexy right after he shivered from the chilling stare, "Is she your sister or something?" He noticed the likeness between them; hair colour, eye colour, general figure, all that.

"God no! As if I knew why she's like that. It's like I'm her property," She commented on Roxanne's actions

"Are you?" 2-D asked, looking serious.

"I don't know anymore," Being just as serious.

"You're hot," Will continued his conversation. Legolas looked at him.

"You too," He answered truthfully.

Elizabeth overheard the conversation, ran up to Will and grabbed his arm. Looking over at Legolas, she said protectively: "My fiancé,"

Will continued looking at Legolas to confirm it was true, "It's not like I have a choice,"

"He's not mine!," Harry shouted at Roxanne about the same time Will admitted his blonde elf friend was good looking, "I don't want him. You can have him," Roxanne, ignoring this comment, walked off.

"That's not what you were saying last night!" Was all Ron could shout back at Harry.

Lefanie moved herself across the room into 2-D's and Lexy's conversation, the same time Will commented on Legolas' stunning looks, "She is. Roxanne's got a contract, we all signed it,"

"Seriously?" 2-D asked, stunned at it all.

"I'm afraid so," Lefanie answered, almost too cheerfully for Lexy's liking.

"Mircosoft?" Murdoc asked, trying to get his voice over Harry's shout.

"No," Gimli answered, tired by it all.

"Apple? iPods? iTunes? Solitaire?" Murdoc tried multiple items of modern technology.

"No. No. No. No,"

"Sudokus?"

"No."

Taniz, who was listening to the conversation, said: "Why mention them? They've got nothing to do with computers,"

"Forced marriage," Will said to Legolas, to explain Elizabeth clinging onto his arm.

"You proposed to me,"

"Your father said he would kill me if I didn't," Will said, proud of himself he finally told the truth about it all.

"That's insane," 2-D commented loudly to Lefanie's cheerful response.

"That's Roxanne," She answered with another cheerful response.

"Forget her!" Lexy shouted at 2-D in an attempt to get his attention, "What has she got to do with it?"

"Nothing," Murdoc answered Taniz to her question, as 2-D commented on the contract, "They're just popular,"

"Still never heard of them," Gimli stated plainly.

"It's official: you live under a rock," Murdoc commented.

"In a cave," Gimli corrected him.

"Good enough,"

"You know: I don't know what any of them are talking about," Jazz said out loud to Lora and Ashlee, as 2-D commented of Roxanne's obsession.

"Same," Lora said plainly, sitting down on the nearest bench, Ashlee followed.

"Ditto," Ashlee said. Jazz looked over at her slightly confused, still standing.

"Isn't that the pink thing?" She asked.

"What?" Ashlee questioned her mentality.

"Dittos!" Jazz clicked her fingers as an idea came to her head, "It's a pink blob, I remember now,"

Lora leaned over to Ashlee and whispered to her, "What is she talking about?" Ashlee leaned over to her and whispered back:

"I have no idea,"

"That has nothing to do with it!" Harry shouted back to Ron, blushing, as Jazz admitted her confusion.

"Yes it does," Ron answered back.

"Just go away," Harry gave up and sulked.

"Don't go all PMT on me, again, Harry!" Ron shouted at him.

"How many times must I tell you about that?!"

"Just once more!" Ron answer back. Harry just stood silently wondering whether or not Ron realised what he had just said.

"Enough, is she's going to keep pointing a gun at me–" 2-D continued, was then rudely interrupted.

"Which she will." Lefanie slotted in.

"- every time I try." 2-D finished, noting Lefanie's very truthful comment.

"To what?" Lexy tilted her head to the right, confused.

"And I thought Bekki was slow." Lefanie slotted in another comment.

"Sudokus are fun." Taniz randomly commented as 2-D mentioned the gun.

"What are they?" Gimli asked, slightly interested.

"They're these puzzles with nine large squares with nine little squares in them." Taniz started to explain, trying to do some sort of actions with her hands, "You need to get the first nine numbers in the little squares. You cannot have the same number twice in one big square…"

"You never said that!" Elizabeth let go of Will's arm and looked up at him, about the time Taniz admitted her love for Sudokus.

"Because he said he would kill me if I did." Will sighed.

"And I thought my relationships were bad." Legolas slotted in his own little comment.

"Do we care?" Elizabeth looked over at Legolas, and asked sarcastically.

"I do." Will answered her question and looked to Legolas, "Do tell."

"No thanks." Legolas said and turned around and sat on the bench opposite to Lora and Ashlee.

"You know, Roxanne." Jazz turned to Roxanne, who was standing there drinking listening to three conversations at once.

"What?" Roxanne turned to look at her.

"Not enough." Lora whispered to Ashlee, causing her to giggle.

"What Dittos are," Jazz answered her.

"I actually prefer talking to Scarehead and Gingernut," She looked down at her, and then over at Ron and Harry who were talking (loudly) about PMT and photographs, "But I won't do that either," She walked past Ashlee and Lora and sat on the table crossed legged.

"Only girls go PMT," Harry explained to Ron, once more, when Roxanne was invited into another conversation.

"The amount of mood swings you get and it's 50 of the time that you're dressed as a girl, I say you have PMT," Ron explained his side of it all.

"That's because you keep wanting more pictures!" Harry shouted back at him.

"That's because Snape keeps nicking them!"

"What?!" Harry shouted in the general direction of no one, as Roxanne sat down and looked behind her and saw a sleeping Jack Sparrow.

"You have to…" Taniz mumbled her sentence, gave up explaining as Harry did his own to Ron, and found a newspaper sitting on the table near Legolas who was standing there with Will chasing after him, "Like this."

"My God." Murdoc commented on anything. As they all sat down and did the Sudoku.

"Don't you get it?" 2-D looked down at Lexy, shocked.

"Get what?" She asked innocently.

"Cute and slow." 2-D commented.

"Trust me she has dirty thoughts as well." Lefanie slotted in another truthful comment.

"No I don't!" Lexy shouted at her.

"We all know what happened at Ashlee's party." Lefanie commented, again quite cheerfully.

"What happened?" 2-D smiled, sensing an interesting story.

"They're so cute and they're like jelly." Jazz continued on about Dittos, as 2-D looked down at how naïve Lexy was.

"They're all mad." Ashlee whispered to Lora, they were both watching Jazz talking to herself, again, "Completely insane, aren't they?"

"Miff." Lora answered. Ashlee looked over at her and slowly shuffled away as Lora continued to watch Jazz.

"They copy other people. Like wannabes, like tarts I suppose. And chavs I guess…" Jazz talked to the invisible air.

"I did no such thing." Snape commented on Harry's and Ron's conversation.

"Severus, I never knew you were like that." Dumbledore commented on it all.

"Like what?!" Snape looked at him. Before Dumbledore answered, Snape continued, "I am not!"

"Then give me my pictures back!" Ron shouted up at him.

"No, I'm burning those!" Harry told him.

"It's complicated." Legolas commented to Will, who had run after him.

"It couldn't be worse than mine." Will shrugged at his situation.

"A dwarf undressed me and put me in a dress." Legolas stated.

Gimli turned from the Sudoku he, Taniz and Murdoc were doing, and said:" I did not." He then turned back and commented on the misplaced 3.

Elizabeth looked over at the group around the newspaper, after she caught up with Will. "Oh, what are they doing?" She looked over the dwarf at the newspaper.

"That was it!" Bekki shouted at the top of her voice, making pretty much everyone jump and look at her in silence. Jack jumped up from his sleep, startled.

"What? What? What was what?" He asked quickly, standing on the table.

"What I was thinking of." Bekki answered quietly as she noticed everyone staring at her.

"What was it?" Jack asked like he was in a sudden sugar rush.

"Ah… I can't remember." Yep, she'd forgotten and thought on it again. Jack went back to sleep on the table.

Snape groaned and asked, since everyone was silent, "How long are you here for?"

"Until I die, you idiot." Dumbledore looked up at him, crossed.

"I was asking them, sir." Snape sighed as he just remembered Dumbledore was sitting there.

"That's a good question but I never told you to ask it." Dumbledore admitted.

"Do you want to know, sir?"

"Yes, actually I do. Ask the question." He ordered.

"I already have, sir."

"Already have what?" He asked, confused again.

"I said 'sir'."

"Albus," Gandalf butted in, "We don't know how they arrived. We have no way to send them back."

"Then how did you get here?" Legolas asked.

"That's different?" Gandalf smiled.

"How?" Lefanie asked for an explanation.

"How is what?" Dumbledore asked.

"Different." Lefanie stated.

"From what?" He asked confused, Snape sighed behind him.

"German!" Bekki shouted loudly again.

"What about them?" Jack jumped up onto the table again.

"Ah… I don't know." She'd forgotten again and decided to think on it again.

"How long are we here for?" Lexy asked Dumbledore, getting quite sick of Bekki.

"That's what we're working out." Dumbledore said down to her, he looked back to Gandalf and whispered: "How long are they here for?"

Gandalf thought for a second, "I guess you could send them on the train."

"Not possible." Dumbledore corrected.

"Why not?" Gandalf asked him.

"Because that stupid Doctor Emmett Brown lost his DeLorean and turned my Hogwarts Express into a time machine. It's out of the question. I'll never get it back. Somehow I've got to find a nice train before summer." Dumbledore answered, annoyed at the stupid doctor.

"What's a train?" Gimli asked, overhearing the conversation.

"Jesus." Harry commented.

"There's no time for that now. You're all going to have to stay here for a while." Gandalf said simply, causing everyone to groan (loudly), except Jack who was still asleep.

"I was thinking about it!" Bekki shouted loudly, snapping out of her state of 'thinking' as Jack jumped up again.

"What?" He asked again.

"When?" Lora asked.

"Where?" Jazz asked, caught up in it all.

"Why?" 2-D asked, naturally confused.

"How?" Lexy asked, naturally confused.

"Who?" Bekki asked, naturally confused.

"Four 'w's and a 'h'." Roxanne stated to herself, knowing full well no one was listening. She took another swallow from her bottle, then hiding it as Jack came to grab it.

"A 5 goes there." Lefanie pointed at the Sudoku Taniz had found.

--- The End ---

1. Dittos are a Pokémon. We all love them.

2. Lexy does have dirty thoughts. :p She just won't admit it, just the rest of us do admit it.

3. Roxanne does pass out like that a few times. (note from Roxanne: I do not!)

Thank you for reading, please right comments. Thank you!

Copyright (sorry we have to do this)

© All LotR characters to whoever owns them.

© All PotC characters to Disney… We think.

© All HP characters and places to JKR who keeps killing them.

© Gorillaz to… Someone must own them. Lexy says: "Jamie Hewlett"

© Wotse (Lefanie, Ashlee, Bekki, Lexy, Roxanne, Taniz, Jazz and Lora), to us, because no one owns us… Except Roxanne who owns Lexy.

Reviews please and read the next chapter. :D


	3. S1: Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Message from Bekki:

This is chapter twooooooooo (normally spelt with just the one 'o') YO! I'm iluvcrossoverzmitpotclotrhpaf aka Becky. In this fic I play………drum roll BEKKI! Tada!! Oh whatever um… (Becky you smell!!! Love Ashley) Waaaaa!!!! Go away Ashley you got to babble all the way through chapter 1! It's my turn to babble now! MUHAHAHAHAHA! ….RADISH!!!!!

(Roxanne hits) OW!

Oh Yeh and sorry in advanced all g slash haters.

Message from Roxanne/GoldenGal:

We all want to say a huge apology to everyone about the gap between this chapter and the last. Bekki has had some huge problems with her computer and a few viruses. And in the end I got it. Stupid, isn't it? The beginning is written by Bekki, the rest by me. I think you can guess where I took over. Where the paragraphs appear. All ideas are group from Wotse, because we're best as a group.

Chapter Two – The Great Escape (from boredom)

"Well I suppose because there is no way of getting you back home, you might as well get sorted…" began Dumbledore before Roxanne interrupted.

"Er...Why?!" a suitable question.

"Its 9 o'clock" said Bekki feebly, making everyone stare at her.

"So?" asked Murdoc annoyed. He disliked Bekki for her silly childishness.

"B-but Bekki likes to dance" jazz stuttered miserably, interrupting further.

"What does that matter?" asked snape after being prodded into it by Dumbledore (literately)

"Because it's…" Jazz started but Lora continued,

"Because it's her dance time. She usually spends 9 o'clock dancing." And as to demonstrate Bekki jumped up and down in a sad expression of a dance.

"What?!" asked Jack confused. Surprising everyone by the fact that he wasn't sleeping. Jazz and Lora both blushed furiously before pointing at each other and repeatedly saying "it was her! It was her!"

"Anyway…" as she began once more, "Why do we need to get sorted?" Roxanne asked, everyone keenly listening.

"So you can sleep in the appropriate dorm go to the appropriate lessons…"

"LESSONS!" yelled Elizabeth in shock, interrupting again "but I'm 20!"

"And the rest…" muttered Will under his breath. Elizabeth shot him a nasty glare while Legolas quietly smirked.

Lora and Jazz were still arguing, but no longer about who fault it was but now about random things like, boiled cabbage and Grated carrot.

"And Will is _so_ the ugly one!" yelled one of the two (I will not say who because she will hate me)

"I understand, I mean Jack is way hotter." Said the other, they stopped yelling realising that everyone was staring. They brushed furiously passed as Jack pattered Will on the shoulder sympathetically.

"Told you so!" He said grinning broadly. As Will got some money out of his pocket to give to Jack.

"No-one can resist me!" he said proudly.

"Except me, you ego maniac" Elizabeth said nastily

"Oh!" squeaked Bekki, who stopped jumping up and down to pick up a black, crumpled hat. (Although dumb and loving multicoloured stuff. Bekki was a Goth type person)

"This is a cool hat!" she said turning to face Dumbledore.

"I'm not just a hat, num-nut." Said the hat… which goes against the fact it just said it wasn't a hat.

"Wow, you're not, you're a clever hat." Taniz said taking the hat off Bekki.

Not understanding that Taniz had just insulted her, Bekki let it slide.

"I am" Replied the Sorting Hat.

"Hang on, hang on, hang on … " began Lefanie barging in, "You're a talking hat?"

"Yes" answered the sorting hat. Nothing…

"You can't be a talking hat"

"It's a talking hat!" said Ashlee attempting to persuade Lefanie, but failing.

"It's not!"

"It is," said Lora joining in.

"Get it right, Leffy." Said Jazz also joining in.

"My common sense will not allow me to accept a talking hat" Lefanie stated proudly, being the only one with common sense (though being around that bunch she was losing it rapidly).

"Your common sense is shit!" said Roxanne loudly, and truthfully. (I mean waking up at a magic school with a load of freaks. And people who attended the magic school all common sense has gone to Mexico – if only they knew where Mexico was, it's not like they do Geography there)

"No, but…" started Lefanie, being the smartest was hard work.

"Leffy what is that?" said Bekki pointing to the hat 2D was now examining.

"It's a hat" she answered truthfully, because it was in fact a hat.

"And what does it do?" Bekki continued

"It talks but…" answered Lefanie, she understood what the point was but it wasn't here point.

"Add 2 and 2 together you don't have to be a jinni to work that out"

"You mean genius" Ashlee corrected Bekki

"No genius' are the things that come out of lamps." Said Taniz surprising everyone with her stupidity. Roxanne whacked her round the head, making her squeak and run off.

Deciding it would be better than standing still while Murdoc examined her arse from behind; Elizabeth got them back to trying to get out of lessons.

"I shouldn't have to be sorted I've already have been proper schooled"

Bekki not understanding wandered off to talk to someone. She saw Legolas.

"Hib" said Bekki to Legolas.

"Hib?" asked Legolas

"Yes hib" said Bekki nodding

"What does hib mean?"

"Hello hot being"

"Hot?" asked Legolas staring at her

"Interesting I mean interesting." She said turning pink.

"So you think I'm hot?" asked Legolas intrigued

"No" lied Bekki

"Really?" asked Legolas again expressing a cheeky grin

"Yes"

"Yes I'm hot?" he enquired further

"God you're vain" said Roxanne over hearing.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Lora at Jazz, whilst Taniz sat hopelessly on the floor trying to make her electronic sudoku work using a sonic screwdriver.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE BE QUITE!" screamed Snape, pulling out his greasy black hair. Everyone stared blankly at him.

Bekki started crying quietly in the background.

"No need to shout." Said Roxanne disapprovingly, she didn't swear in front of Bekki.

"Yes, if you wanted us to get sorted that badly, you should have just said please," Commented Elizabeth also not liking Snape's foul language.

"Your poisonous tongue is a broken beacon of repugnance for us all." Said Taniz shaking her head in a disapproving manor. Everyone turned or moved their head in a position were they could stare at her in surprise.

"What? Is it such a diabolical crime for me to use a complex selection of vocabulary?" asked Taniz looking hurt. Everyone continued to stare. Taniz sighed deeply before yelling loudly and unenthusiastically:

"The squirrels are coming! The squirrels are coming! Run for the hills!" Everyone decided that it would be best if they moved on.

"Right, moving swiftly on… I suppose I can make an exception if it's that important, okay I will get sorted alright?" agreed Elizabeth. Most people grudged mumbles of agreement or nodded to show they would.

"AYE" cried jack, before collapsing on the floor again and re-beginning to sleep.

"You moron, you just agreed to something you don't even know what it is" said Jazz matter-of-factily. However Jack didn't hear because he was asleep. Or drunk, it was difficult to tell.

"Ha-ha you just agreed to do homework willingly!" said Dumbledore, chuckling to himself. Roxanne glared at him in a manor that scared him. As he immediately stopped he hurried everyone out the room to the great hall.

As she left Roxanne muttered under her breathe to Dumbledore.

"I can't wait till you die in Book 6"

As they all wandered in a downward direction toward the great hall leffy leading the way (because she was a genius and somehow knew where to go.)

"Tell me again. Why do we need to announce our arrival to the whole school?" asked Roxanne who secretly loved attention, but never honestly cared about everyone knowing who she was.

"Because," said Dumbledore thinking for an excuse "I said so"

Roxanne attempted to look pissed off and failed miserably.

"What are you people's names anyway?" said Dumbledore prodding Lora with the tip of his finger to check she was real.

"Why do you need to know?"

"We just do alright! Now give us your names or DIE!"

"DIE DIE DIE DIE" chanted Roxanne, before being shut up by Ashlee covering her mouth.

"Sorry about her she doesn't know what she's saying." Said Taniz nicely but kicking Roxanne to shut her up.

"I'm Taniz Yami, pleased to meet you" she said ever so politely, being like the koala she was…

"Adams, Roxanne Adams. Licensed to yell "contract"." Said Roxanne casually, whipping out a laminated sheet of paper, with signatures written all over it.

"I'm Lephanie Retsmah. Child prodigy and war hammer extraordinaire," said Lora.

"OH! Lora! I wanted to be Leffy!" said Jazz stamping her foot agitated.

"Well obviously now I CAN'T be Leffy because you've just reviled what my real name is. Well done Jazz!" Lora said very smug.

"Sorry, I'm confused. Who the hell is the real "leffy"?" Asked Dumbledore looking between W.O.T.S.E

"ME! ME! ME! I'm the REAL Leffy! Said Jazz sticking up her hand.

"No, you're not. My vast intellectual powers tell me that in fact you are Jazz" said Snape appearing from what W.O.T.S.E could gather thin air.

"Where did you come from?" asked Elizabeth, well it was more of a "shriek" than an "asked".

"I've been here all the time." Said Snape. Unpleased with the Elizabeth's reaction.

"Well whatever. How the hell did you know my name?"

"The girl Lora said your name aloud," said Snape blandly.

"I'm Leffy!" said the actual Lefanie putting her hand up.

"Lephanie Retsmah?"

"Uh-huh." Said Leffy gleefully, which is strange because being her is not something to be proud of.

"Eh…Okay then if you say so."

"I'm Legolas Greenleaf, of the woodland realm."

"Is that like one of those posh names like 'Sarah-Jane' or 'Emily-rose'?" asked Dumbledore.

"Oh sure because his surname is 'Ofthewoodlandrelm'." Said Roxanne rolling her eyes.

"Great! So that's Taniz Yami, Lephanie Retsmah, Legolas-Greenleaf ofthewoodlandrelm, Lora Thingy, and Jazz Bobby, oh yes, and Roxanne Adams."

"The name's Baker." Said Jazz through gritted teeth

"And my name isn't Thingy, it's Quicksilver" said Lora matter-of-factly

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" said jack before tumbling down a few flights of stairs in a drunken fashion, which is also amazing because he wasn't up there to begin with.

"William Turner," said Will, before winking a sly wink and licking his lips towards Legolas, trying to avoid Elizabeth's careful watch.

"Elizabeth Swann" Said Elizabeth curtsying ever so politely. Luckily for Will she didn't notice his wink and lip lickingness at Legolas.

"Gimli, son of Gloin" said Gimli, hitting the ground with the wooden handle of his large axe, which made everyone nervous.

"And I'm Ashlee Jones." Said Ashlee as if she was the last.

"What do you mean 'and I'm Ashlee Jones?'" said Bekki rather annoyed as if she had been forgotten, "I'm here too! I'm Bekki!

"Doctor Murdoc Faustus Niccals " said Murdoc using his full-on-pelvic-thrust-bass-shaggingness. Roxanne shuddered as he winked in her direction. She took another swig from her never-ending whiskey bottle.

"And this here is my petit, in more than one way, compain Stuey-baby or 2D, named after his bra size." Said Murdoc, 2D moved further away from his secret lover.

"I can introduce myself. What do you think I am stupid or somthing? And at least mine is real." Murdoc went pink, before smacking 2D round the head as Lexy tried and failed to hide her amusement from the odd couple. As Roxanne, now even more deeply scared took a sip from the never-ending vodka bottle stored in her surprisingly big pocket.

"I'm Lexy Pinker," She said trying to keep a straight face.

"So that's everyone I think." Finished Taniz. They all looked round ponderisticly to see if anyone had been forgotten.

20 minutes and many a exploded Hufflepuff later. Leffy had found the Great hall and the Wotse (©) entered.

Silence swept across the great hall. As the strange newbies' walked to the front to be sorted. Jack stumbled forwards drunkenly, thus volunteered himself to be the first to be sorted. He picked up the sorting hat and clumsily placed it on top of his own hat.

"Slytherin" yelled the sorting hat. Who was still not accepted by Lefanie. Jack was pointed in the vague direction of the Slytherin table. He wandered over drunkenly and collapsed on the floor in a heap. The next brave contestant was Will, who was placed into Hufflepuff. Murdoc was put into Slytherin, (what a surprise) with his beloved "Stuey-baby" proceeded to be put into Gryffindor. Gimli and Elizabeth were also shoved to Hufflepuff. Lefanie was next, she nervously put the 'unreal' talking hat onto her head. Before the sorting hat announced her house it decided as payback to tell all her secrets about liking Irish accents and her secret dirty mindedness. "Ravenclaw!" it yelled as a very embarrassed Lefanie headed shyly towards the blue and silver table. Seamus, being as annoying, dirty minded and generally Irish as he is drooled staring at her. Lefanie, being slightly crept out by this, attempted to hide behind a large see through water jug. Seamus stupidly thought she had disappeared. "Ravenclaw!" yelled the sorting hat distracting their attention as a short girl named Koala (aka Taniz) headed toward the same blue and silver table and sat next to Lefanie. Roxanne pushed Bekki forwards to postpone her own judgement.

"Are you related?" asked Neville to Ron, as Seamus continued drooling.

"No. Why?" replied Ron slightly confused by this question.

"She does look a lot like Ginny." Stated Hermione. Most of the eavesdropping students positioned themselves to see Bekki. Then Ginny. Then Bekki again.

"Oi! You a Weasley?" Yelled a random Hufflepuff. Called Cedric.

Bekki got quite agitated.

"It's Wéasley with a silent 'e'... that you pronounce." She yelled at him.

The rest of the sorting went with ease. Except the fact of Lora mumbling about being placed in Ravenclaw as apposed to Slytherin. Yes, Jazz was her best friend and Jazz was placed in Ravenclaw but we must all make exceptions for Draco, mustn't we?

(Answer a: yes or b: god yes! to get the point.)

Ashlee was put into Gryffindor with Bekki and Legolas (Legolas is only in Gryffindor because he's not ridiculously intelligent and he's not evil but there was already an Orlando Bloom in Hufflepuff and we don't want Legolas to explode because he's the better looking one), Gimli, Will and Elizabeth were all in Hufflepuff – in hopes they would all explode. Ravenclaw was made up of Lora, Jazz, Lefanie and Taniz.

Roxanne spoke to Lexy:

"We will not be separated, I will follow you everywhere you go. You will never be alone I will know where you are at all times. You will not be left alone with 2D, and there will be no contact of the sexual nature with him because I will be there when he tries anything and there will be a gun to his head. I can promise you that. Unless of course we're in different houses, then I can't stop you." Roxanne admitted miserably. Lexy went ad proceeded towards the stall, praying that it would relieve her from her from the tight grip of Roxanne. Her life would change with two words.

"Gryffindor!" Yelled the sorting hat.

"YESSSSS" she screamed joyfully starting the hamster dance in front of the entire school. Mid-move she realised and wandered happily down to sit with 2d.

Roxanne was pissed off. She needed Gryffindor. And I think we all know how unlikely that would be.

"Slytherin!" yelled the sorting hat. (You have to say it was inevitable.)

"Dammit!" she yelled.

"YES!" Yelled Lexy

"YES!" Yelled 2D

"Yes?" asked Bekki, joining in on something she didn't even understand.

Roxanne miserably walked back over to the Slytherin table.

Her only constellation was that Draco Malfoy and his pussy would cheer her up with amusing jokes and imitations of Harry.

Then as if by magic, because it was magic, food appeared on the table.

"It's like a dream!" said Jazz wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.

Seamus stuffed an entire chicken leg down his throat (bone an all) and then made a bee line for Lefanie. Generally the breakfast was boring and fattening, it including the newbies meeting the famous characters and squeeing with delight at everything they saw (except Snape and the odd ghost). This is also when the picky eaters – also named vegetarians (Roxanne, Lora, Jazz (actually vegan, but meh), and Lefanie) – had to ask what everything was. The meal went on for ages and then they had to wonder what time it was.

Then at the average time of eightish (one late breakfast) the classes set off to different lessons, this was done in this fashion:

First years: Running, believing they were late even if they got there before the teacher who obviously didn't care because they were only First Years, what did they matter to anyone?

Second years: With a little bit of apathy, but with caution because they were still scared of the teacher in question. The teachers were a little bit more interested in hammering with them of how important everything was – that was a lie.

Third years: What did they care any longer? This is when the main groups are formed with a head and rivals are set, meaning: they fight on the way to class.

Fourth years: Too stressed to care.

Fifth years: Even more stressed. Doing the work for the next lesson on the way to the class. How organised.

Sixth years: Probably don't even have lessons, but apparently have _tons _of work. Yeah, right.

Seventh years: They're around here somewhere.

---

Then the newbies got their new uniforms, males got the trousers and females got the slutty skirts (the PE ones) (with long socks to go). This meant Roxanne got trousers and 2D got the skirt, that made Lexy very happy, and Murdoc even happier. Then they got the cloaks, which Roxanne made the inside of green in one hour due to her obsessive obsession of decorating forced uniform. (a/n: yeh... Sorta did it with my blazer... just purple. wicked!)

As the Slytherin gang, which Roxanne was already a member of (it was obvious, she had a huge smile on her face, walking behind Draco, and trying so hard to contain herself. It's hard to stop squeeing when you have perfect view of Draco's arse and no one can argue with you), entered the somewhat depressing and kinky potions dungeon; Snape, the for-some-reason-everyone-believes-he-is-evil-and-I-do-not-care-whether-or-not-he-killed-Dumbledore-in-the-sixth-book-which-is-set-after-this-fanfic teacher, walked in through another door and started the lesson. This forced him to take points away from Gryffindor for being late, even though they were because the far too smart Ravenclaws were mocking them with their brainpower (which makes you wonder how Jazz and Lora got in), and that they were actually five minutes early. But they couldn't argue because none of them were smart enough to be able to tell the time. Idiots.

Since this was a 'sit wherever the hell you like because I don't give a monkey about you lot' lesson, the Slytherins took one side of the room and the Gryffindor took the over. This made the battle line and the home bases in the corner to start the battle of the Kinky Dungeon. This has been a repeated battle but now they both had help from the other world (called Reality) they wanted to have a 'this one is the winner battle' again. Since the score was 256 to 256 just for this year… Which ever year this was.

Snape then "started" the lesson with some boring stuff about electrons and protons, making one member from Reality scream, possibly Roxanne… May be Lexy, maybe both, who cares? There was a scream and no one noticed. This was war. It wasn't the first scream. Neither was it the first death, obviously, millions of people die every day. Idiot.

Plans were made and equipment was stolen off the shelves. Well Gryffindors stole, Slytherins borrowed because, well, it was their head of house teacher of course. He would let them kill an elf and he would blame someone else. The world was sometimes a brilliant place. They dec- I said _sometimes_!

Bombs were now the new technology and they were easy to make magically. Stink bombs, paint bombs, any bomb. This battle would need every weapon they had, this decided if the Slytherins had complete control underground. Gryffindors had complete control on the Seventh floor – that was only because they were the only ones there. Yet somehow they still managed to attack themselves.

How this was set out was that they stacked all the chairs to one side, mostly at the front, and then bunch all the tables together and, as if by magic (it's a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry, everything is by magic! It's also a good term to use if you have no other idea how to make something work... That explains how JKR made it all work.), it covered the entire floor. Except a little area around the door. Fire hazard... Though by then you would think they would be able to deal with a fire. tsk 

Lexy was ordered to crawl under the tables and plant the breaking bomb. She got down on her hands and knees and she – after Roxanne smacked 2D for even considering something sexual about Lexy's position (because she certainly did) – crawled under the tables to the Slytherin basic home base, passing an unconscious Jack, to meet a guard. After flirting and falsely lying about who she was – and promising something later – she got under the home base and planted the bomb.

Around this time Murdoc jumped off his table underneath to Lexy with his satanically decorated gun and pointed to her. Lexy clicked her little bomb button for the timer: "2:00" beep, beep, beep: "1:59" Seeing this she crawled away with all her might back to her safe area. Dodging Murdoc's shit aiming she managed to make it half way before she was hit in the back of her leg. She screamed again:

"I'm hit! I'm hit!" This started shouts like: 'The battle has started!' and 'Attack!' from an already hyped up Ashlee. Murdoc and Lexy sat under the tables as the bombs and gun went off above them, as Lexy held her leg as the red liquid flowed between her fingers.

"Jesus, girl, it's coloured water. Idiot," He went back and went up to the battle. Tables were already falling and the floor now became a war ground; Lexy let go of her leg and went off in a huff. She got to her "underground safe area" which was no longer safe because tables were flattened and attacks were taking place there. She continued to crawl, feeling she had done her part in the battle of Kinky Dungeon, and was then squashed by a flying Neville.

After ten or so minutes, the wounded area was still empty, it's only coloured water that made that body part go numb for a while. The rule was you get shot and you have you go to the opposition's prison until you are rescued by someone on your side. Not something you want to drink. This was obviously created by the genius' called Ravenclaws, then bought by the Slytherins to use in the battle of Hogwarts. Which never ended, and amazingly enough, never started.

Jack was still unconscious; Murdoc was high because this was real to him, he had "killed" at least ten people that just got up and got killed again; Roxanne was always told off for using her real gun to threaten people and she had only just got her water gun, so she got in a huff and went into the corner to make some alcohol; Ashlee was randomly using a tennis racket to make bombs fly across the room and to bomb the Slytherins with a loud crash; and Lexy was still under Neville, because he was unconscious and no one loved her enough to save her.

This is when Lexy managed to pulled her Walki-Talki out of her pocket; the Walki-Talki was a match to Bekki's and hopefully still in contact with. She got it in her hand, held down the button and screamed into it:

"Help me! Bekki, where are you?! I'm squashed under the table! Which isn't helpful, I know but everything looks the same with the smoke from the bombs. Wait! Why hasn't mine gone off yet?! Bekki answer me!" She finally realised you have to let go of the button to get a reply from the other person.

She let go of the button and waited. She got a lot of gurgling and a litre of water leaking from the speaker.

"What the fuck?!" Lexy shouted and waved and kicked her legs around and hoped someone would notice. Neville was pulled off by two Gryffindors on brooms (Potter and someone else) and then thrown into the Slytherin prison, thus freeing the whole class of Gryffindor. The problem was that they all got shot again. Lexy got up and clicked her back in at least fifty different places and sat up and peered around the room.

It was hectic. The tables somehow pushed together covered the entire floor (but this was had earlier, making the actually floor an underground level) and the Slytherin base was hovering in mid-air in an alcove with guards on one side. The Gryffindor on was on the table before the table had collapsed and was now on the underground level with just their heads above the level of the tables. Other tables where turned over on their sides as protection and other stuff like bags and miniature blackboards were piles up as well. The prisons were in corners with spell made bars to not allow their prisons to escape at all.

Lexy went back under the table after grapping someone's uniquely made bag in the shape of a WWI army helmet and once again crawled under the table to see why hadn't her bomb gone off. It should be a massive bang and the room to be filled with smoke. She made her way to her bomb with hiding behind the odd table and a lot of dust on her socks. She checked the bomb.

Beep, beep, beep, "1:44" beep, beep, beep, "1:43" beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It continued to be every second.

"What's going on?! It was meant to be two minutes. Why is that happening?! Stupid made in China bastard!" Lexy shouted to herself.

"I know what you did," Roxanne mused next to her. Lexy screamed in shock and was then shot in the face, she continued to scream that 'it burns, it burns'

Roxanne looked at her gun and couldn't help humming _Ding Dong the Witch is Dead_ which wasn't true because she was sitting there. After a while, while Lexy was still screaming, she looked at her gun and wondered to herself:

"Maybe I made it a little too strong. It didn't taste very nice and your side has taken quite a few of us. So, emergencies are emergencies," She said plainly and watched Lexy itch her face where she was hit. This went on for another minute, exactly because Roxanne was bored enough to count the beeps:

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

Then Roxanne said:

"You're still going to the prison, y'know,"

Lexy stopped screaming, sat up, and said:

"Dammit,"

Roxanne marched her to the prison and ignored 2D who started to swear he would rescue her once he saw her being put in prison, this made everyone giggle. Sorry, but seeing a transvestite with blue hair and no eyes swear he would rescue a fourteen year old with cat ears just makes you giggle. Then they all got back to work.

A message was made to the lazy Sixth years that the battle was still underway and both sides lied about how well it was going. It was smokey and deadly and the Gryffindors were beginning to run out of ammo and were being to create weapons from their last resource: paper.

Harry landed with a crash off his broom once he had been shot off by some random hot Slytherin who had appeared out of nowhere. Fortunately he landed on top of Draco who wasn't there a few seconds earlier. Harry sat up and began shouting.

"What the hell are you doing?! I can manage by myself you pervert! Stop it!"

Draco kept his posh, proud air and answered:

"You're the one on top of me; do you think I ran to save you or something?"

Before Harry had a chance to answer, the table collapsed and they landed with a thud on the floor. Harry closed his eyes for a second and waited for the pain to wash away. It did. Thank god, what was Draco doing? Running under him like that once that moron had shot him down? It was stupid and reckless.

He opened his eyes again and looked down at Draco again. He wasn't moving.

"Draco! Draco!" He started shouting. He didn't move, he was half lying on Draco's stomach and the used-to-be-standing table. Draco half opened one eye and said quietly:

"Get off me, Potter, I can't breathe,"

Harry jumped off guiltily and sat beside him and looked around and saw everyone either busy or unconscious (that just being the constantly drunk pirate). Draco took in a large breath of air and closed his eyes again. They stayed silent for a moment hearing the screams of 'pain', miniature bombs or gunshots.

"I don't think anyone saw," Harry said finally, it was an awkward moment and he didn't know what to do. He looked around at the people running over the tables in their they-should-be-school-shoes-black-trainers and the multicoloured water flying everywhere. "It's getting bad out there. I think I should go back out there,"

He began to get up before Draco took his hand, without opening his eyes he said:

"Stay just a moment,"

About now was when Roxanne crawled past with Lexy's failed-now-newly-improved-by-the-evil-geniuses-who-were-more-evil-than-geniuses bomb and stopped to admire the yaoi couple. This was when she wished for Taniz and her camera. She shrugged her shoulders and continued on, using the guard as her shield since she (the guard) was a good shot they both – unfortunately for some – survived. She made it to just where the Gryffindor base was; they had changed it all. They had made the broken tables into a small box of about three foot and a bit by three foot and a bit, and it was around three foot tall. Then there was a Gryffindor flag erection (giggles) in the centre and somehow that fitted at least seven people in there. It was pretty obvious where to find them, except the Gryffindors who needed to be in there couldn't find it which was exactly why they never left their box.

Roxanne was about to stick the sonic bomb (not exactly sonic, but what the hell?) to the 'wall' of their infamous box but the door of the classroom opened (they had the area of the door clear, of course…) and in stepped Bekki soaking wet. Everyone was silent as Snape peered down the classroom at her, he asked:

"Where have you been?" he asked in his stern voice. He did not like to be interrupted. For some reason he didn't notice the state of the room, but no one dare tell him – including those in the prisons.

"Well, I-I… er… I was… ermm…" Bekki started, shivering slightly, she started again, "Well, I was parachuting. I mean, I've never done it before and I thought: 'why on earth not?' I mean, what's the harm? Anyway, when I was parachuting I forgot one vital component," She said and paused.

"Your underwear?" Lexy asked from the charmed prison, noticing the slowly crawling Gryffindor across the table who was planning on rescuing them. No one dare to shoot when Snape was paying attention to them.

"No," Bekki looked over at her and didn't question why she was now multi-coloured, "… Well, yes, but that's not the point," Bekki said.

"Did you fall in the lake?" Lexy asked, she already knew the answer but she wanted to hear Bekki say it.

"No, I ended up swirling at a rapid speed and dived into that giant bowl of soup that's outside," Bekki pointed outside the door, then she flicked off a piece of mushroom off her shoulder.

The class groaned, they had to eat that.

"Right, 50 points from Gryffindor for poisoning the food," Snape started but stopped, "but in effect you would poison yourself, other Gryffindors and Dumbledore. You can have those points back,"

All the Gryffindors made a mental note of the kindest thing Snape had ever said and to not eat the soup.

"Now sit down," Snape searched over the battle ground for a chair to find that they had all been placed at the front, "get a chair and sit next to Lexy," He looked over at the prison area and the glowing bars, "No, it looks quite crowded over there, you lot should separate a bit," The prisoners of Slytherin shuffled a bit to one way than another.

"Better," Snape said, "sit next to that random guy near the Quiksilver bag," he pointed over to a Gryffindor that was crouching behind a toppled table for protection.

Bekki slowly climbed onto the table and walked to the front of the class to grab a chair. Everyone was staring at her and whispering stuff like; 'the moment she sits down and he says the next sentence it starts again' 'shoot the Nazi' 'tell them to stop whispering "shoot the Nazi". I'm not a frigging Nazi' and 'crawl faster you stupid twat'.

She placed the chair on the table and sat down. Everyone was tense, no one said a word. Snape turned back to the board, he said:

"We've just got up to how the ionic compounds and how the oppositely charged ions attract each other strongly. They –"

The rest was unheard as the screams continued as Roxanne ran to the slowly crawling Gryffindor and shot him in the back and 'ha!'ed in Lexy's face, then she jumped down for cover against Ashlee's sonic paper aeroplane. Jack was still asleep. 2D had managed to pretend to be asleep and slowly move towards the prison with no one noticing, because he was on the ceiling and how he had managed to get up there no one knew; because no one knew he was up there. Murdoc was still creating more potions that were meant to be some alcoholic drink and each failing one was a different colour for the guns.

Also at the moment Snape said: 'each other strongly' the Gryffindor who Bekki had been told to sit next to grabbed Bekki's chair from under her and threw it over the table in the general direction of the Slytherins. Fortunately hitting Seamus who was there for some reason or another. Thus he fell to the floor in a pool of blood.

Lexy started screaming at Bekki to 'hurry up and fucking rescue me you moron!' Bekki was still sitting there for a while without realising what was going on. The screams didn't help, neither did the bombs and the aeroplanes. Opposite ions attract?! When did this happen? What were ions? She had missed so much in one lesson. But the swim in the soup was quite nice.

_Ah. Lexy's screaming at me. _She thought, _let's deal with that first._

She stood up, then realising she was going to have a bruise on her bum the next day due to the fall. She slapped the Gryffindor over the head, making him fall over and to get shot by Malfoy, which must be very degrading. – Obviously by now Harry and Draco had gone back to their sides, they did it at the opportune moment (aka. when Bekki walked it) – He was plucked up by the referees (aka. randoms who really shouldn't be there on brooms, aka. one of them was the one who shot Harry off his broom but that wasn't important at the time) and dumped in the prison. It was a good system. No one liked it.

Bekki walked across the room towards to Lexy screaming. She couldn't actually hear what she was saying but she was distressed. She dodged the odd attack and stepped over the lazy people who wanted to pretend they were dead. She reached Lexy who was still screaming at her.

"Hey, what are you doing in there?" Bekki asked curiously. Roxanne walked up,

"Well, it's lovely in there, isn't it? That's why they're all there, do you want to go in?" Roxanne opened the cage – that only Slytherins could open (see, I've thought this though… On the spot). Bekki stepped in, Roxanne closed the door and jumped down to miss another of Ashlee's sonic paper aeroplanes.

"Wow, it's nice in here," Bekki commented. Lexy had her hands around her throat and was soon in the process of strangling her. No one exactly stopped her.

"You. Id.i.ot." Lexy managed to said out of her rage.

"Lexy!" Said a voice above her head. She, and the others in the prison, looked up and saw 2D on the ceiling. He dropped down and reached through the bars to tap on everyone's arm saying: "you're free" He did this to everyone and they all ran off before they got shot by a Slytherin. Lexy ran into 2D's arms and they hurried off behind a table where Legolas and Ashlee were producing paper balls and throwing them around. Bekki was picked up by Neville who had just regain conscience from being thrown across the room and carried her off somewhere.

As the Hufflepuff exploding for first period to end went off around the school, the classroom was beyond control. The Gryffindors had managed to pinch a gun from a prisoner Slytherin and copied the engineering of it. Because that's what Gryffindors do to be so perfect, they copy. With this gun and the ammo they took from their clothes and off the walls they were back in business. Thus Ashlee and Legolas weren't and made their paper aeroplanes and balls useless.

But they refused to move from their shelter from the centre of the room. They just decided to sit there cross legged and play cards, this made Ashlee teach Legolas every card game she knew, which was a lot. She also showed him a few magic tricks which she knew would amaze no one else, I mean, they were in a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Who gives a crap about cards there?

Harry Potter had been made Captain because Gryffindors are sad like that. Jake was already a Captain and was actually slowly getting soberer. I'm not though. Ron was somewhere in the room because this was the first mention of him though he was probably one of the lazy lot on the floor.

(Author's Note: When I say floor I mean the tables. When I say underground I mean the actual floor. A _little _bit confusing.)

Hermione was most likely tied up somewhere and gagged because no one actually cares what she says anymore. _Anymore_?!No one ever did! Murdoc was in the hovering Slytherin base because somehow he's good at planning battles in a 20 metre by 20 metre dungeon. No one was exactly prepared to question the green man.

Roxanne was on her way again to the Gryffindor base to sort out the bomb she had left beeping earlier. Again with her guard (named Bonny) they arrived at the base. She checked over her newly improved wires and then started to click some buttons.

beep, beep, beep, "1:29" beep, click, beep, click, click, click, beep, clickedy, click, click, click, "0:05" beep, beep, beep

"Five minutes, then toodles. Kinky Dungeon shall be ours," Then she had to allow her sickmindeness giggle at the phase. She sighed at the end of this and then jumped back on top of the floor and run along back, sticking her tongue out as she went.

beep, beep, beep, "0:05" beep, beep, beep, "0:04" beep, beep, beep

"Four minutes," Harry muttered under the table. Lexy slammed her head against the table/wall of the beautiful box.

"I can't believe I got it wrong," she blamed herself and then 2D gave her a cuddle and told her not to worry.

"Why don't we just take it off and place it on the Slytherin's one?" Ron – who finally does something now – said.

"I don't think you've realised that they're base is a floating box," 2D said, it was amazing he had more sense than Ron and he was a six foot tall cartoon. Well, Ron was ginger so you couldn't blame him.

"Plus, they've used this sticky stuff to put it there," Bekki said looking at the sticky stuff in question.

"Glue?" Lexy asked, still in 2D's arms, until Roxanne shouted "Contract!" far off, making them jump apart. Bekki shook her head at the question.

"Sellotape?" Ron asked. Bekki shook her head again.

"No, it's Velcro," She said sadly. Everyone gasped.

Could it really be Velcro? _The _Velcro?! It couldn't be, could it? Bekki is stupid enough to make the mistake. It must be something else. But no, Harry checks, it is the dreaded Velcro. They all sigh.

"We'll never get it off," Harry muttered. Hermione, who somehow over heard this started screaming against her gag about their stupidity. But it was Velcro. What could be done?

"I have an idea," Bekki said. Everyone said in awe. **Breaking News: Bekki has an idea**. This is strange. Well, the thought of Velcro has different effects to different people. She continued: "Why don't we take the table to the enemy?"

Lexy just looked at her:

"Bekki, you're an idio-" Harry interrupted her.

"No she's not, it's not actually that bad. It might just work." He said, and as he pondered on the thought 2D punched him out cold for interrupting 'his love'.

Lexy, 2D, and Ron began to crawl away. Bekki sat there confused.

"Hey! What about this?!" Bekki shouted after them and pointed to the bomb.

beep, beep, beep, "0:04" beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, "0:03" beep, beep, beep

They all stopped and said at the same time:

"You're doing it,"

"WHY ME?!" She yelled back. Lexy slapped her.

"We're three feet away, stop shouting!" Lexy shouted at her.

"Honey, you'r-" 2D started but was interrupted by a loud: "Contract!"

"Well, it was your idea," Ron said and went off. Lexy and 2D followed.

Bekki sighed. There was nothing for it. She may as well take the goddamn table.

Roxanne looked down at her watch. Two and half minutes until the bomb would go off. Then victory was their's. First day of a new school and already things were looking up. Draco's bum at full view pretty much all the time between lessons and well, war was sweet.

(a/n: No it's not. War is a bad thing. moral moral moral )

She noticed Bekki making her way slowly underground. What was that idiot doing? She was dragging a table… The bomb.

"Shit," Roxanne muttered to herself as she jumped under the tables again and left Bonny with the random hot Slytherin and expected them to guard to the prison, which was a stupid thing to do. Trusting them that is.

She crawled over to Bekki and sat cross-legged and waited for her to get close enough to start a conversation. Bekki probably had no idea what she was doing anyway.

"Hey, Beks, what ya doing?" Roxanne asked.

"Hey, Annie," Roxanne's eye twitched, "I'm… One second. What was I told to do again? Oh yeah! 'take the table over to the enemy before the time runs out and then'" she paused, "oh! 'get the hell out of there'. That was it," she smiled at herself for remembering after being told the 27th time then she realised she was meant to be listening.

"Why are you doing that?" Roxanne asked.

"Something about a bomb. I don't know,"

"Should I help you? I think I should," Roxanne went to help, but Bekki kept a hold of the table.

"No. I was told: not to let go until in place and to not let any 'backstabbing bastards' have it and 'that includes that crazy sexually confused bitch of a nazi'… I think that was what they said," Roxanne's eye twitched again.

_It's the hat, isn't it?! _She thought to herself, _Wait a minute… not that I have a minute, I'm sitting next to an idiot with a bomb… Scary… Since when did I care what people thought of me?! _Yeah... She kept the Nazi hat. (a/n: Not a nazi! I do not discriminate, et cetera...)

"Who said that by the way?" Roxanne asked.

"I'm 'not allowed to tell that frigging cow of a Slytherin' and I'm assuming Ashlee meant you,"

_Mental note: Kill Ashlee._

"But I don't understand what any of them were on about. Taking the table. I mean, what does it have to do with the bomb? The bomb's over there," Bekki said and pointed back to the bomb that was still stuck to the table/wall of the supposed best box in the world. Whatever world that is.

Harry woke up from his nightmare. He swore Bekki was in charge of the bomb because the rest were far too lazy to do anything and was meant to take the table/wall of the mystical box of wonder over to the Slytherin base in the limited time to blow them up, but Bekki – being the idiot she was – took the wrong table and just took a general table and left the bomb beeping on the table/wall of the fantasy box; and was now talking to Roxanne who was tricking her and now smiling because it looked like Slytherin were going to win.

He breathed a sigh of relief that it was only a dream and cursed that that transvestite with blue hair could punch him out cold. He expected it from his green friend not him. He sat up and was face to face with the bomb beeping on the table/wall of the spectacular box of surprises.

beep, beep, beep, "0:02" beep, beep, beep, "0:01" beep, beep, beep

"Bekki!" Harry yelled, grabbing Bekki's attention who was next to Roxanne who was tricking her and now smiling because it looked like Slytherin were going to win.

"You took the wrong table!"

Bekki looked at the table and said that she knew something wasn't right. Roxanne burst out in laughter which made Ashlee – who was directly above her - hit the floor and tell her to keep the noise down. Then she muttered: 'noisy neighbours' and continued to play Speed with Legolas who was actually winning.

Bekki scurried to the bomb and grabbed the table/wall of the wondrous box of thrills, thus making the people inside the overwhelming box of perfection angry but no one knew who they were so no one paid attention.

Bekki was determined not to muck this up, so she held onto the table and went quickly. No one stopped her. What could that idiot possibly get right? Hah! Her do anything to us? Not bloody likely.

She placed the bomb behind the enemy and hurried off back to where Harry and Roxanne were. Neither of them had noticed her go off, Roxanne was there making slight notes (aka. wink wink nudge nudge) about his fall onto Draco. Bekki arrived out of breath.

"Ha! Annie," Roxanne's eye twitched, "Now we'll see who's stupider," Bekki said proudly pointing at Roxanne's face.

Roxanne sat there calmly, eating muffins, and looked at her watch.

"20 seconds,"

"Gryffindors are going to win," Harry said proudly, a little bit worried about how Roxanne was reacting to this but he was sure Bekki had done one thing right in her life.

"ha" was all Roxanne said. She moved up so she was in Ashlee's and Legolas' shelter (they were still playing cards) and faced the front of the class.

_She's in the safest area_, Harry thought, _if she believes Bekki put it on the Gryffindors again, she's safe. If the Slytherins explode prays they do. With exceptions she's still safe. Smart but annoying._

5, beep, 4, beep, 3, beep, 2, beep, 1, beep.

There was a huge explosion. Fireworks flew from the bomb and bounced off the walls. Everyone started screaming and hid for cover, except Roxanne, Bekki, Harry, Lexy, 2D, Jack, Draco, Ashlee, and Legolas.

Roxanne stayed there because she wanted to see the explosion and watching it would prove that she was right. It was also then that she noticed she didn't have her glasses on. She didn't need them. And her braces?! She checked, running her tongue along her teeth. Straight! The day got better and better.

Bekki stayed there to see the pretty colours around the room and because it was the best piece of work she had ever done.

Harry was there because he wanted to prove to Roxanne that he was right and that it was pretty amazing.

Lexy was there to see how stupid Bekki had been once again and had to wonder how her earlier teachers always sang that stupid song about them:

They're Pinky and The Brain  
Yes, Pinky and The Brain  
One is a genius  
The other's insane.  
They're laboratory mice  
Their genes have been spliced  
They're dinky.  
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.  
Before each night is done  
Their plan will be unfurled  
By the dawning of the sun  
They'll take over the world.  
They're Pinky and The Brain  
Yes, Pinky and The Brain  
Their twilight campaign  
Is easy to explain.  
To prove their mousey worth  
They'll overthrow the Earth  
They're dinky  
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain  
Narf!

Stupid teachers, singing that stupid stupid song. Bekki was the smart one. (Her name was Lexy Pinker.)

2D was there to protect Lexy and hopefully the lights would get the Pinky and Brain theme tune out of his head.

Jack wasn't hiding because he was still asleep. It's a wonder he even made it to the lesson.

Draco was there because it was better than anything else he had ever seen.

Ashlee and Legolas were still playing Speed and neither of them were prepared to lose. How could a 354684234 year old elf lose to a fifteen year old girl? How could a fifteen year old girl lose to a 354684234 year old elf who was acting as though he was 354673981?

As soon as it finished, Roxanne burst out laughing and Harry hanged his head in shame. She rolled around on the floor, it killed her sides.

Seeing an explosion go off behind the black board which breaks the board and forces a teacher you hate to fly in flips across the classroom makes you crack up.

Lexy laughed as well, Draco too, and Jack giggled in his sleep. The scared Gryffindors and Slytherins came out of their hiding places and took their places again. Everyone laughed and then Roxanne moved back slowly to her place.

"I think I can say: Gryffindor have lost the battle of Kinky Dungeon," she said proudly.

"How did that work?" A random Gryffindor shouted out and a few others backed her up with 'yeah's. They all got shot.

The referee flew down and read from the rule book:

"'Rule 29: No harming of the teachers when it is a battle. Harming of a teacher may be done off the war ground. Then that is your own business, not ours.'"

He was shot down by a Gryffindor.

"'Rule 38: No harming of the referees which makes no sense because this is war and since did they have referees in war…' Who wrote in the rule book?!"

"See they blew up the teacher and they shot the referee!" a Slytherin screamed.

"Snitch" a Gryffindor shouted back. And the room quickly became a shouting ground.

Roxanne soon got a head ache and pulled her real gun up and shot the ceiling. Making everyone quiet.

"Thank you for shutting the fuck up!" She shouted. She calmed down once she was sure she had everyone's attention, "Right… Now, I know we're the winners, but let us just prove that to the Gryffindors, shall we? My idea is the next person to get shot – _after _I blow this whistle!" She pulled out the whistle she had nicked from Hodge (or whatever her name was). "If the first person to get shot is a Gryffindor, they lose. Same vise verse, which won't happen, so," She blew a raspberry and went off.

The whistle blew and shots were heard.

"Alright! Alright! Stop shooting me!" Shouted a voice. The shots were stopped and everyone peered over to see who had been shot. The mist cleared and they all saw who it was.

"Lora?!"

---

After the Ravenclaws had mocked the Gryffindors about their small brains, those small brains making them stupid (or how they like to say: "brave") enough to be put in Gryffindor; they ran off to their Charms lesson.

They and the Hufflepuffs that followed were seated in places and the newbies were standing alone. Like loners. These loners were: Lora, Lefanie, Jazz, Taniz, Will, Elizabeth, and Gimli. Professor Flitwick stood in front of the class on his precious box, he looked down at the new ones and wondered to what to do with them.

"I wonder what to do with you six," He said while scratching his chin. Lefanie crossed her arms and decided to argue:

"Six?! There's seven of us," Even something as simple as that made her feel better.

"There's you, those two," he pointed to Lora and Jazz, "the one who needs a shave," he pointed to Elizabeth, "the dwarf," he pointed to Elizabeth, "and the obviously posh I-do-not-exactly-want-to-be-here one," he pointed to Elizabeth again, who obviously did not want to be there.

"What about me?" ask Taniz, jumping up and down waving her arms in the air.

"Oh," Flitwick started to chuckle, "I didn't notice the little one," This made everyone silent… He was only three foot tall, "Okay, you six and a half." He pondered for a moment and then said, "I suppose I'll leave you in your little group and place you at the front," And obviously the front of the class was empty.

The lesson started and already Jazz's mind was wondering away from the topic at hand. Silence Charms. They were very useful, especially on people like Lefanie who was sitting there complaining to Lora about the set out of the school. Lora wasn't listening anyway that was how she managed to stand the constant mumbling and grumbling of the far too smart Lefanie. How much longer could she complain about this topic? Oh, not too long. She was now on the food.

Now Lefanie is not a wining cow – unlike Alanis Morissette – she never was. But she does know better than most people and she likes to tell us so. Jazz was already interested in what Flitwick was saying.

"Now the reason for this is… that it… pushed them together… and makes them stay together… like… they don't want to come apart,"

No. Already she was bored enough to poke her own eyes out with her pencil to get herself out of her. The problem was: she liked her eyes, and her pencil. And so did the dancing mouse she got with her Aero that day she had got down to the paper shop to by the milk and she used the random amount of money she had in her pocket to by the Aero to 'feel the bubbles melt' and she got a mouse with it.

The first ten minutes were horrible. Utter pain. Their brains hurt and even Lefanie was half asleep. Jazz was one of the few who were still awake, the mouse never ran out of energy. Of course it didn't, it was constantly hyper, it was a chocolate mouse. Taniz was still up, furiously trying to fix her sudoku. It had to work this time.

Taniz's little machine exploded and everyone woke up and groaned when they looked at the clock. They expected a Hufflepuff but that it's head would be detached from its body. Either way, it doesn't matter. They were awake and not very happy about it.

Flitwick had climbed off his marvellous box of excellence and picked up the text books and proceeded to slam them in front of each pupil as he went along and continued to talk.

"Now, on page 86 there is a good example of how to… do this… properly. I want you to read through it and copy it down and then… we shall go through this,"

By now, Lora had caught sight of the dancing mouse with the hula hop and started to watch it too. Until Flitwick dropped a 569-paged text books onto it. It went with a squash and was flattened across the desk. Lora stopped looking at it and looked down to see how Taniz was doing with her sudoku puzzle machine.

No one took pleasure in the lesson within a few moments of Flitwick starting to read out the book word for word almost everyone had either dropped forward onto their text books or had their head resting backward with drool down their face. Lefanie was curled up in a ball on the chair holding onto her tail as if it were a pillow. Taniz was still tinkering with her machine and Jazz was watching the flying potato whiz around her head.

Lora was bored and tired but Flitwick talking kept her awake but it also kept her on the edge of sleep. The whole thing made her thoroughly annoyed and she had a compulsive urge to poke Lefanie awake.

She poked her. Lefanie twitched. She was awake, she was trying to fake it so Lora would quit.

"Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie, Lefanie,"

"What?!" Lefanie sat up angrily and shouted at her pissed. No seriously she was pissed off. Firstly she ran out of topics to complain, secondly she had Seamus fancying her, secondly she had a dog tail that wagged whenever she got excited so she couldn't look at anyone hot without getting weird looks, and finally I used "secondly" twice, so that gets rid of the first one.

"That man has a hat," Lora said and pointed to Flitwick who was standing on top of his admirable box of respectability. Because on his head there was a hat.

Lefanie looked at Flitwick and then at Lora.

"I hate you,"

It wasn't true. Lefanie really loved her, platonically, but sometimes one can get annoying when one says another's name 44 times and had poked another. One is not nice doing that.

Lora looked down at the floor guilty and hoped the whole would swallow her whole.

Why wasn't it swallowing her?! Stupid floor.

Ten minutes later Jazz was still crying over the mouse and wondered what it was like under the book but didn't dare to look. Lefanie was massaging her face out of boredom and in a wonder if it would change its shape or something of the kind. It was keeping her muscles in her face awake because the muscles in her mind had left a long time again. Lora was digging – with the sonic spoon she had taken from Taniz – a hole down into the floor. In a second she reached dirt. This was the easy bit.

_Just keep digging, digging, digging, what do we do? We dig, dig, dig…_

Will sat there was his face in his right hand daydreaming about Legolas. His silky hair, his broad shoulders, slender waist and dreamy legs. His tight ass, what would he be like to take? Maybe there in that classroom, on the desk possibly, or maybe just in the centre of the room. Did it really matter where as long as it was him inside the elf? They would go on… We'll leave him to that.

Gimli sat there was his face in his right hand daydreaming about Legolas. His silky hair, his broad shoulders, slender waist and dreamy legs. His tight ass, what would he be like to take? Maybe there in that classroom, on the desk possibly, or maybe just in the centre of the room. Did it really matter where as long as it was him inside the elf? They would go on… That seems slightly familiar…

Taniz was searching for her sonic spoon that had seemed to vanish.

Elizabeth was asleep because no one wants to deal with her.

Jazz and Lefanie both noticed Lora getting out of her seat and onto the floor. Was she seeing what life was like for Taniz at four foot? No, she was… digging?!

"Lora what are you doing?" Lefanie asked, her face becoming more flexible by the second.

"Digging," Lora answered a stupid question truthfully.

"I can see that," Lefanie replied.

"Then why did you ask what I was doing if you could see what I was doing?"

Lora asked, without stopping digging.

"I don't know," Lefanie answered. Lora stopped digging, Jazz stopped looking at Lora who had stopped digging, and Taniz stopped tinkering with her machine. Lefanie sat there arm crossed and just realised what she had said, she opened her eyes wide and screamed down at Lora:

"Dig! Goddamn you dig! Get me out of here! I'm getting stupider!"

Lora dug, or as Lefanie would say: Lora digged.

"Where are you going to dig to?" Jazz asked out of curiosity.

"Does it matter as long as it's out of here?" Lefanie asked angrily in a panic.

Of course it matters where they were digging to. Because if we didn't know where they were digging to then they would go missing and we would lose half our characters and a few of our friends. But we can just replace the friends. We can't lose so many characters at one time! Not now, anyway. Taniz said just this.

Lefanie stared at her without reply. It was a smarter comment than one of hers. What was happening?! Something was wrong. Lefanie was smart, Taniz wasn't. Ah!

"Dig!" Lefanie screamed down to Lora who just dug twice as fast.

In twenty minutes all three of them where out of the room. Once they couldn't here Flitwick's talking they breathed a sigh of relief. Lora continued to dig slower now and then the old Lefanie came back. She started using long words and no one was listening. It was good again. That was one of her phases.

They didn't come across again special except the dirt and the few bits of soil. Oh! They did also come across some mud. Taniz kept it. Jazz also found this a good time to bury her newly dead chocolate mouse. But since she didn't want to take the book off the table she took the table with her. Well, part of it anyway. She used spike that a Ravenclaw was about to use to gauge her own eyes out to stay alive and a saw a Hufflepuff was about to use to saw his fingers off. The anger of having it taken away from him made him explode. Causing everyone else to wake up, grumble and to take out over suicidal tools of that nature.

Lora soon decided she would aim for the kitchens. It would make everyone happy. Apparently there was meant to be a good soup for dinner and she wanted the first taste of it. The whole lot of food would probably make Jazz very happy; Lefanie could probably eat her heart out. And Taniz… Taniz could probably find another spoon. She didn't even like the first one. She wanted a knife and all she found were spoons.

Ten thousand of them. Damn you Alanis.

So they went on digging. Well, Lora dug. Jazz fretted over her buried mouse. Lefanie went through all the long words she knew, long meant over three letters. 'Letters' that's one. Taniz was still tinkering with her sudoku puzzle machine as she crawled.

(a/n: This would be longer but there's only so much I can say about dirt)

Lora and Lefanie had calculated where they were. Lora stopped. Above them should be the kitchen. They had been digging so long, it must be almost end of lessons. The dirt dummies must have thrown Flitwick off. It didn't matter. The kitchen awaited.

Lora pushed up the tile and threw it off. She climbed out and stood up with her feet still in the tunnel. It was smoky and the first thing she saw was Snape unconscious on the floor. There was a loud whistle and then bangs everywhere. She was shot with something. Not bullets but it hurt and it was a liquid.

She threw her hands in the air and shouted out:

"Alright! Alright! Stop shooting me!" They did stop shooting her and she saw all the face look round tables and chairs. She wasn't in the kitchen that was for sure.

"Lora?!" Lexy shouted in amazement.

"Lora, what's going on up there?" Lefanie cried from below. Lora stepped out of the tunnel and allowed Lefanie, Jazz and Taniz to climb out. They silently looked around the room at everyone covered in different colours. What on earth?!

Roxanne stepped forward.

"What on earth are you doing? This is the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin battle of Kinky Dungeons. No Ravenclaws, or Hufflepuffs, but none of them are here,"

Lefanie looked her up and down. She was one of the few who were clean, except Harry and Draco, they were clean as well. She then looked around the room.

"I could ask you the same thing,"

"I know that. You have the power and the right to ask the same question. Stop telling me just I know. That's the teachers' job not your's. Man, you've gotten stupid,"

"That's what Professor Flitwick does to you," Taniz said as she settled herself on the floor to fix her machine.

The odd person held in their laughter. And then Roxanne jumped out the way as a Gryffindor shot at her, but they got shot by Draco.

Then there was a mini-Slytherin winning celebrations. Half the class ran out and went to tell the other years about their Kinky Dungeon victory. The other half went off somewhere else. Most likely to the common room.

Wotse were the only one's left, and Legolas, Jack, Murdoc, and 2D. And all the Gryffindors left, except the odd one who had sat in the corner in a huff. Seamus was now sitting on the floor next to Lefanie and staring at her.

"So, what actually happened?" Lefanie asked Roxanne for a long and detailed story.

"We won," Roxanne said and thought that it explained it all. She climbed over to Ashlee and informed her off the end of the lesson. She still hadn't beaten Legolas.

---

Before they all sat down at their tables for dinner they all had things to sort out. Well, Lefanie had to first wash herself of Seamus, that included shouting at the top of her voice:

"Stop drooling, you moronic Irish twit!" Then she shut the common room door in his face. Then she put a charm on it so no one could open it from the outside whether or not they had the password. Which made it very difficult for Taniz to get it.

By this point Lora had tried multiple times to get into the Slytherin common room. Each attempt failed.

Ashlee had in the end lost to Legolas and his prize for winning was a kiss from the fairest maiden in the room. In the room was: Gimli, Ashlee, Taniz, Roxanne, Lefanie, Seamus, Will, Elizabeth, Neville, and Bekki. Meaning he was allowed to snog Will without complain.

The rest were just mucking around in their common room for hours on end because we're too lazy to write more than one lesson for each house in each chapter. So they only have one hour of lessons... Bastards.

As they sat down the food appeared and each Gryffindor and Slytherin in that particular year pushed the bowl of soup away. Every body ate it. And enjoyed it?! Strange taste, was a comment on the soup given by a first year.

Roxanne ate in silence with her brain running through each and every thought. For once not on either sex or her infamously shitty story. She turned to Draco.

"Can I ask you something after I have finished asking this question?" She asked.

"Sure, what?" He said between bites of his pie.

"What year are you in?"

With that question the entire hall went quiet from each of their own conversations to hear the answer. No one knew.

Lora turned around and shouted over the Hufflepuff table to Harry: "Yeah, what year are you in?"

Harry looked around at everyone staring at him. It was pretty scary. But he had been naked at the Gielgud Theatre running across the stage poking people's eyes out (a/n: I know. I've seen him do it. :D. I saw Equus!).

"Umm… Well… Erm…." He had no idea. Neither did anyone else.

"We're obviously not first years," Ron commented loudly though he soon went back to eating.

"I'm 16, if it helps," Harry said.

"At least sixth year then," Lora said as she turned back to her food. Which had gone into Jazz's mouth. This made her angry.

Jazz looked to the front of the hall.

"But Dumbledore's still here," She said and then went back to eating Lora's food, and then to Lefanie's.

"He dies at the end of the sixth one," Lefanie said as she defended her food from Jazz who was trying to get her soup. At this Snape couldn't help but cheer inside, because he couldn't cheer on the outside; he had gotten a broken jaw from the explosion. It was the only thing the hospital wing couldn't deal with, they fixed everything else. They a machine that did that. It was called a Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But the nurse instead called it a 'machine that goes bing'

A Hufflepuss exploded.

"Well, then they must be in their sixth year. Because if it was their seventh, Fred and George wouldn't be here," Taniz pointed over at the ginger couple who waved back.

"Damn. I haven't read that one" Roxanne said as she turned back to her plate full of muffins and her alcohol. Life was sweet.

It was true. She (I) has never read it, simply because we got bored in number five.

"But, Cedric's still alive, so Harry didn't see him die" Lora said and everyone (almost everyone) turned to look at Cedric. Then a few people looked away again, he is that physically repulsive.

At this Cedric stood up from his table, pushing the bench back and making everyone fall off it.

"'Still?!' What do you mean 'still alive'? When do I die?!" He shouted at the newbies from Reality who knew about his death. A random Slytherin shouted:

"Not soon enough!" This made Cedric sit down quietly since no one argued for him.

"Then obviously Harry hasn't kissed Cho yet," Lexy stated to show that she knew the plot and was paying attention, unlike Lefanie and Jazz who were still fighting over the bowl of soup.

"I do what now?!" Cho said in shock, which isn't very polite because she was having sipping her soup and the startle made her flick her spoon across the table and whack Dumbledore on the forehead. Thus making him look up and wonder if something was wrong with the ceiling. Maybe winter was the wrong one, it was actually winter. Why would you want a winter ceiling when it's winter? He picked up the remote and changed the channel to Spring Time. Falling blossom. How gay.

"Has Harry been kicked off the Quidditch team yet?" Roxanne asked Draco.

"How does he manage that?" Draco asked a little too concerned.

At the same time Harry let out a startled: "What?!" This is to the kissing Cho and getting kicked off the only sport they had.

"He punches you," Roxanne said and went back to her muffins.

"He's done that but has never gotten punished for it… Well…" Draco started and then pondered. He decided not to finish. But Roxanne and her sickmindedness made up the rest.

"Is Sirius dead yet?" Ashlee asked as she leaned forward, letting her hair dip into her soup. She decided not to finish it and to move onto something dead.

Taniz stood up at this remark, pushing the bench back and making the twelve people fall off. That included Jazz and Lefanie who stopped fighting about the soup since it was all over them, their hair and the floor.

"He is not dead! He's just hiding!" Taniz shouted at Ashlee, because someone in the group has to be stupid enough to believe he's still alive after such a _tragic _death. Lefanie, and the other eleven people, stood up and sorted out their dress.

"Face it; it got killed by a curtain," Lefanie said as she pulled the bench back and sat down.

Again, Harry said: "What?!" It really wasn't his day. His future is not a pretty one. How angst.

"Brilliant," Hermione started sarcastically, "Sirius Black: escaped Azkaban, evaded Dementors, outwitted Ministry and killed by drapery," She muttered to herself as she reached over for a bread roll.

"Harry, your godfather got owned by a curtain," Ron couldn't help but say and laugh.

"He did not get owned by a curtain!" Harry shouted back.

"He will," Pretty much every single member of Wotse said.

"That means he hasn't kissed Ginny yet!" Taniz said quite loudly.

"Haven't I suffered enough?!" Harry shouted as he stood up, pushed the bench back and making twelve people fall to the floor. This included Lexy, Ashlee and Legolas, Seamus and Neville.

Ashlee stood up and sorted out the bench.

"Obviously not," she said.

"Wait, so do you know what happens at the end?" Ron asked curiously.

"Nope," Lexy said, settling down to her meal, once again.

"I know how to find out what year this is; who's the DatD teacher? They change every year," Lora said quite proudly. So proudly she had to stand up, push the bench back and forced the bench back and twelve people fell to the floor. None of them exactly important.

Everyone slowly looked over to the DatD teacher.

"Gandalf?!" Jazz muttered and a groan filled the Hall (not a sexual groan. The other type. Yeah, that one).

This made the whole conversation stupid and worthless for anyone to listen to. So they didn't and went back to their soup and their own conversations, which were awful in the first place no wonder they listened to this rubbish.

After a minute of this and Harry massaging his face just as Lefanie had done earlier, which makes me able to say "Great minds think alike" but that's an insult to both Harry and Lefanie.

Bekki finished her bowl of soup and looked over at Harry, who was sitting opposite him, she didn't want to upset him more but she was curious.

"I'm sorry you're upset and all, but can I ask you a question?" she asked, not realising she had already asked a question by then.

"Sure, what?" Harry said, annoyed as he was, he couldn't leave an idiot in distress. I mean, how many times had he saved Ron?

"What year are you in?" Bekki asked.

And somewhere in the Hall a Hufflepuff exploded.

---

It is finally finished! My darling hands! They are crippled! hiss I blame you Bekki, you know that!

Yes, finished. Good. Let's not make this any longer. 25 pages and most of that I made up in this lovely chair I'm sitting in now. What a darling, not-so-comfortable chair. I would love someone to give me a massage for my back. It hurts.

Ha! I finished it in less than 24 hours and it took 4 months for Bekki- I won't bitch… But, 4 months!

She isn't writing another one. Don't worry. She'll help with ideas and her famous random phases. I don't trust her with anymore.

Comment, reviews, please and thank you.

Copyright:

All Harry Potter characters and places to whoever the hell owns them. ©

Gorillaz members to that guy who owns them. I frankly don't care anymore ©

PotC characters, Disney ©

LotR blah, you get it by now, ©

And us! Wotse © Is owned by drumroll Wotse. No surprise. We own ourselves, except:

Roxanne owns Lexy.

Lexy and Lora both own a third of Bekki, the other third (the unwanted third) was given to Wotse (yeah… thanks…). Except the smell was given to charity.

Taniz is owned by Jazz, well, her pet.

We are not lesbians. Except Lexy. We are just too friendly. :D 100 percent straight and yaoi lovers… Well, me anyway… I'll stop now.


	4. S1: Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Strange happenings

Written entirely by Jazz.

Lora looked down guiltily at the carrot in her hand. Long strips of it.

"What have you done?" Jazz's face looked fluorescent green in the surrounding darkness.

"I... I... Well I didn't mean to." Lora stuttered, however a quick lick of the lips betrayed her hunger.

"I don't care, it's too late now." Sure enough there was a rumbling in the distance.

And

The

Ground

Began

To

Shake.

Lora tossed the orange mess over her shoulder, and both girls ran for their lives.

"Jazz! I think I smell carrot." Shouted the woman running towards them.

"You must be mistaken mother." Jazz called over her shoulder. But because she had not been looking ahead of her she tripped, and hit the floor with a thud.

Jazz woke up, sweating and clinging to her bedclothes.

"Jazz, about last night..." Lora had scars on her hands and face. She was also covered in orange stains from the juice of carrots.

"Oh muffins." Was all Jazz could say before once again falling asleep.

Some time later she awoke in the hospital wing.

"Roxanne, please! Let me explain." Taniz pleaded as she followed Roxanne down the corridor.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same way." Roxanne placed a comforting hand on Taniz's shoulder. "Besides, we're too young to be married." Taniz watched hopelessly as the girl she loved turned to walk away again.

"But I wasn't asking you to marry me yet. Just, be engaged." Taniz chased after Roxanne, her begging would continue throughout the day...Or it would have done.

"Hey Taniz." Bekki appeared through a door. "What's going on?"

"She's trying to get me to marry her." Roxanne explained, already some distance away.

"Wh...WHAT?!" Bekki shouted angrily. "Does that just make our relationship over? I can't believe you would betray me like this! I thought you said you loved me." Bekki's eyes began to fill with tears. "Don't do this to me Taniz, please. I still love you. Don't end it like this." Taniz hopped nervously from one foot to the other.

"Erm Bekki... what are you talking about?" Bekki's eyes widened in horror.

"How could you forget? What did I do Taniz? Why are you doing this to me?" Tears were now streaming down Bekki's cheeks. Taniz looked away, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry Bekki, I don't understand." Taniz stated hopelessly. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, I just didn't realise that..."

"Nah, its fine." Bekki interrupted, before shouting into the distance: "ROXANNE YOU OWE ME A COOKIE!"

"Oi!" Taniz suddenly realised that Bekki had just been distracting her. She proceeded to waddle as fast as she could (for in the space of the conversation with Bekki she had in fact become a penguin) after the now out of sight Roxanne.

This left Bekki alone in the corridor. She looked left; she looked right, took a pen out of her pocket and began to doodle on the walls.

Several hours had passed since Roxanne had left. She was beginning to become tired, thirsty and hungry. She knew these corridors well, and begun to head in the direction of the one on which her room was situated on. (The one where she had left Bekki.) On her way there, she saw a penguin frantically waving its flippers in the air, and its quacks sounded like someone saying

'Roxanne, Roxanne!' Magic. She sighed to herself, always doing weird things. However, when she arrived at the corridor which she had left only several hours before, all she could see was what looked like a colourful block of solidified ink, with a notice pinned to it. It read:

**'Attention! Due to excessive doodling, this corridor has been closed.' **

Down the corridor Roxanne could hear what sounded like a chipmunk desperately shouting for help, but she dismissed it as just a figment of her imagination, and headed towards the Great Hall in search of snacks.

Upon arriving at the great hall, the first thing that Roxanne noticed was Lexy and 2D whispering to each other excitedly, but when Roxanne approached them Lexy began to giggle and they moved away. Now Roxanne was actually quite hurt by this as she had always thought of Lexy as a dear friend to her, but she was quickly distracted by a loud shriek from the other side of the hall. She spun around fast, to see Lefanie screaming madly.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed (again) "HELP ME!" Roxanne rushed over to her, she could feel the panic rising inside of her.

"Lefanie, what's wrong? What's wrong?" She asked, Lefanie's eyes darted wildly around the room (and I am afraid to say that in this situation I do mean literally.)

"This cheese." Lefanie gasped, pointing to about where she thought her hand might be. "This cheese just bit me!" Roxanne shrugged, sure enough Lefanie's hand was bleeding and it was sure to be hurting her, but was the problem of her eyes running around the room slightly more urgent? Roxanne voiced this very opinion, but Lefanie disagreed, under the argument that this was a magic school, besides her eyes were quite happy. Nevertheless Roxanne chased Lefanie's eyes around the room and eventually caught them and gave them back to the not particularly grateful Lefanie.

"Maybe you should go to the medical room." Roxanne suggested. Lefanie nodded reluctantly and soon departed.

Roxanne looked at her hands, they were covered in blood, but there was no cut. It must be Lefanie's she thought, before heading towards the girl's bathroom in order to wash it off. However, upon arriving at the girl's bathroom Ashlee was standing in the doorway preventing her from entering.

"Excuse me, Ashlee." Roxanne attempted to push past her friend, but Ashlee only giggled and blushed.

"You know my name?" Ashlee's face was rather a bright shade of red by this point.

"Of course I know your name, you're my friend." Roxanne replied bored. "But can I please wash my hands?" Ashlee managed to blush even more at this remark, and she giggled more, this Roxanne found, was rather tiresome.

"Not in here." Ashlee replied with yet another annoying girlish giggle. "This is the girl's bathroom, see." Ashlee disappeared inside momentarily so that Roxanne could see the picture of a stick figure wearing a skirt.

"Erm... Ashlee I am a girl." Roxanne nodded her head sarcastically. "Stop it, it's annoying, just let me wash my hands." Predictably enough this was answered by yet another of Ashlee's giggles.

"You are sooo funny Russell." Ashlee began to curl a lock of her hair around her finger. "The boy's bathroom is right down there," she pointed down the corridor, "on the left." She smiled, at this point Roxanne glanced inside the bathroom, and was greeted by the image of Russell Howard staring straight back at her in the full length mirror.

"I'M RUSSELL HOWARD?!" She asked annoyded. (Her exact words contained the repetition of words such as the 'S' word and the 'F' word, which I shan't repeat.)

By this point Roxanne was tired, exhausted and annoyed, so she headed back to her bedchamber.

"Hello, I'm Jeremy." Before looking around Roxanne sighed.

"I'm not Russell Howard." But when she did look around she could not see Jeremy, in fact the corridor was completely deserted.

"Down here." Jeremy prompted, so that Roxanne was greeted with a frog climbing over her shoe.

"Right..." Roxanne sighed again, before heading back to her bedchamber, unfortunately for her though; Jeremy was more then usually talkative for a frog.

"I'm a prince." He noted quite cheerfully.

"And I'm very tired." Roxanne replied in an attempt to get rid of him.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Jeremy asked, Roxanne was betrayed by the look of disgust that crossed her face at this.

"Surprisingly enough, I don't." She patted him on the head, "But you're a very nice frog, I'm sure." At this, Jeremy grabbed onto the outside of Roxanne's trousers, climbed to the top of them, onto her top, then her shoulder, from which point he whispered in her ear.

"You're not keeping to the script."

"Script?" Roxanne was bewildered, "What script might this be then?" She asked sarcastically. Jeremy only laughed, as the whole of the back was of the corridor slid away to reveal a chorus, and the front wall slid away to reveal an audience. At this point to Roxanne's utter amazement (and disgust) the chorus began to sing:

_Don't lie_

_Lie_

_Lie_

_You're not shy_

_Shy_

_Shy_

_It's just a kiss_

_Kiss_

_Kiss_

_Then he'll be a _

_Prince_

_Prince_

_Prince_

_Prince_

_Prince_

_Don't lie_

_Lie_

_Lie_

_You're not shy_

_Shy_

_Shy_

_It's just a kiss_

_Kiss_

_Kiss_

"Enough with the singing already!" Roxanne was very annoyed. "I just want to go to bed." But the chorus had other ideas, they started dancing around her whilst singing even louder.

_Kiss_

_Kiss_

_Kiss._

"What the muffins are you doing?" (I'm afraid I had to use the word 'muffins' instead of the much ruder alternative that Roxanne actually said.) "I've had enough of this." Roxanne attempted to walk off, but there were walls at either end of the stage. She put her head in her hands, thoroughly fed up, as Jeremy started to serenade her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed, her vision being blocked by black dots, which had soon become a black screen.

"What the...?" Roxanne fainted.

"Hi Roxanne." Jazz's familiar voice greeted her in the hospital wing. "Lexy and that random Gorillas guy brought you here. I don't know what happened though, so there's no use asking me." A non-stop flood of questions spun through Roxannes brain: how did Lexy and 2D find her? What had been going on today... or yesterday... or the day before that? How long had she been there for? How come Jazz had more presents then her?

"Roxanne we need to talk to you." Lexy looked quite embarrassed as she entered with 2D. "Actually we need to talk to everyone." Bekki, Ashlee, Lefanie, Lora, some random penguin and the others entered behind them.

"Ok, we have a confession to make." The random Gorillas guy (formally known as 2D) started.

"The wands came in and we got ours early." Lexy looked down, her vision focused on her left foot, "We made all the weird things happen."

"Where are the wands?" Lora asked quickly.

"They're here..." Both Lexy and the Random Gorillas guy held their wands out to be taken away."

"No you moats," Lora replied "I want my one, go get it for me." Lexy and the Random Gorillas guy nodded before departing to get the wands.

"You LIED to me." Bekki had turned to Ashlee.

"I didn't!" Ashlee argued. "I swear he was here."

"Well obviously not or he'd be here now, wouldn't he?"

"He was."

"Wasn't."

"Was"

"Wasn't"

"Who are you talking about?" Asked Roxanne tiredly.

"Ashlee told me Russell Howard was here." Bekki looked very disappointed.

"That was a spell Ashlee, it was me." Roxanne replied. Ashlee gasped, her eyes wide in horror.

"Leffie don't feed the penguin." Lora was addressing Lefanie, who had found some chocolate by a Get Well Soon card for Roxanne and was steadily feeding it to the penguin that was quacking quite happily.

"But it likes it." Nevertheless, Lefanie waited until Lora looked away before giving the penguin anymore chocolate.

"Hey, where's Taniz?" Bekki asked suddenly, and everyone looked around the room for her, the penguin, however started quacking loudly and stamping its feet.

"It ate her!" Jazz yelled, pointing straight at the penguin, but Lefanie shook her head.

"No, it wants more chocolate." And she continued feeding the penguin pieces of chocolate. It looked remarkably like the penguin shrugged, and continued happily eating the chocolate.

After a few minutes Lexy and that random gorillas guy re-entered the room, that random gorillaz guy was carrying a large wooden box, he put it on the floor and opened it.

"Here they are." Lexy gestured towards the box, everyone went and picked one up, (Lefanie got one for the penguin, Lora got one for Jazz and Ashlee got one for Roxanne. Also at this point the real Roxanne informs me that she would like everyone to start giggling) everyone started giggling (what a surprise.)

---

(GoldenGal)

It dies there. Sorry for the long delay we all sort of died due to exams, but we live… until the results.

Comment, please and thank you.


	5. S1: Chapter 4

Welcome to Our Reality: Chapter 4: insert magically brilliant imaginary title

Laura's intro

---

"I don't believe it. I just don't believe it!" Taniz cried, "We think we've escaped Maths but _noo_ now we've got to go to it. Again,"

Lefanie let Taniz mumble on for a little bit, occasionally covering her ears when the noise got too loud. Eventually she got to the point where she could bear it on longer.

"Arithmancy," she said.

"What?" came the confused reply from Taniz who had finally stopped grumbling.

"Arithmancy, not Maths," Lefanie explained… Yep, that's Lefanie all right: pedantic and wonderful… (sorry about that first word, I couldn't stop her adding it in. We all know it's a lie really)

"It doesn't really matter anyway, all lessons are the same in essentials," Jack came along, placing his arm around Lefanie's shoulder, withdrawing it hastily when he received an evil glare from Taniz… Almost possessive really…

"For you maybe Jack, you're always asleep," Taniz said, in a voice icy enough to match her glare.

"Captain," said Lora coming along behind them, "Captain Jack"

"Thank you," (Captain) Jack said, "and besides I'm never asleep I just pass out from having too much rum… Rum!" and with that he ran off.

Sharing a shrug, the three walked into the classroom shortly followed by Jazz, whose excuse for being late was of something to do with floating fruit. Lora found this surprising as she had expected it to be cheesecakes.

"Now," said Professor Vector, "since we have new participantsto our class we have to rework the class seating plan. This time it will be in height order. So Taniz if you come and sit here. Next will be-" but he didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as he was interrupted by Taniz.

"That's not fair! I'm not the shortest! I'm not even close!" Taniz began to yell, but finished with a stutter, "S-sorry, sir, but it's not fair, I mean,"

"Well, if you're going to make a fuss, I'll just put you four in the front. If everyone else could move back a row,"

Groans filled the classroom as people dragged their bags from under the table and traipsed backwards. The four newcomers wondered up to the front and waited for Prof. Vector to turn around before commencing a quiet but violent fight for the window seat. Taniz waited till they were all busy fighting, then snucked under all their arms to the seat. Lefanie settled happily on the seat next to her on the basis of looking over Taniz's head to see out the window. I mean, who wouldn't want to? There were buff 7th year Griffindors out there. Oliver Wood is so HOT. Her attention was snapped cruelly back to the lesson by the squeaking of chalk on the blackboard. Oh how she hated that sound. Prof. Vector was explaining how the sum on the board was NEWT level and he shouldn't be showing it to them anyway. Indivertibly everyone in the class was thinking: 'Then why show us?'

The door was slowly opened and Captain Jack walked in. Now here was a sight better than Oliver Wood. Lefanie got bored after the first word however, and glanced back at the blackboard.

"Why are you late?" The Professor demanded, "And no lies,"

"Well… The rum was gone," Jack admitted.

"I said no lies," The parrot cried and he flew off in an upset manner. It was never seen again. Which was a coincidence as it had never been seen before.

Lefanie put up her hand nervously (but still a bit confidently) and Prof. Vector turned on her as it if was all her fault that he lost his newly acquired parrot, "What?" He snarled.

"12" Lefanie stated confidently and in answer to his raised eyebrow explained that it was the answer to the question on the board.

"Well… Yes but that wasn't what I was talking about," Prof. Vector explained, "In fact-" but he was cut off yet again by Gimli.

"That's it!" he yelled.

"What?" Prof. Vector demanded. He was sure that he'd get an explanation for the strange quietness from Gimli's and Elizabeth's corner.

"Er… Well you know how sometimes after you've typed a number into the calculator and then turn it upset upside down it becomes a word?" Gimli only received blank looks but continued anyway, "Well I've just discovered how to make 'parrot', it requires a little transfiguring but-" A wail erupted from the teacher's lips drowning out the rest of the conversations.

"My parrot!" he cried, tearing out his hair, which was already falling out, "Class dismissed," he said and stumbled from the classroom. Lora and Jazz were among the first to emerge from the mad rush from the classroom and hesitated, wondering if they should follow him yelling: 'parrot'. But decided that they'd rather put as much distance between him and themselves as possible.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

"Now," Professor McGonagall started, "We have a new teacher sitting in today so I want you to be helpful to him. His name is Professor Gandalf, he may look at some of your work,"

Ashlee heard absolutely none of this as she had been complaining to Bekki about her wand.

"I mean, I swear I've got the worst one. It's fucking broken!"

"Silence!" Prof. McGonagall yelled into the back corner, "If you think you don't need to listen to my explanation you can come up here and show us all how to turn a pot of glue into a goblet,"

"But my wan-" Ashlee got no further as Prof. McGonagall decided she'd had enough of her lesson wasted.

"I thought you did know how," She sounded smug and began to turn her back to her lesson plan.

"Fine then, I'll do it," Ashlee cried, embarrassed as she stormed up to the front. She hated it when teachers just assumed they were right. She'd had enough of that in the real world, thank you very much.

She grabbed her wand, which was far too flexible, and began to think up an incantation. It didn't really matter what she turned glue into anyway, so there was no point in trying to get it right.

"Um… Prowante… Wolis," She muttered trying to get the wand to flick right. Unfortunately she flicked too much to the left and missed the glue. Fortunately the spell was heading towards Harry (Potter). Unfortunately he was good at shielding charms, and it bounced off and struck Lexy. Fortunately Lexy didn't complain. It's kinda hard to complain when you no longer have a mouth.

Bekki stopped trying to plaster glue over Lexy without her noticing. This was chiefly because Lexy was no longer sitting next to her. Instead a book was lying on the bench. Mystified, Bekki picked it up and flicked to a page near the back.

It read:

_I hot wonder passionate when sex Bekki hot will passionate realise sex I hot have passionate noticed sex her hot trying passionate to sex put hot glue passionate on sex me._

Bekki found this very boring, so she skimmed down to the last paragraph.

_Shit, ash. How cld u? stopid want. stopid ash. I wondr wot it did 2 me. I wondr y i feel lyk some1s reading mi mind. Well dats a stopid idea neway no1 i no is gud enuf 2 do dat… enuf of dis awkward thinking. I reckon it's time to get back to some good old passionate sex. As long as I can think about that, who cares what happens?_

_2D reaching down to kiss my hand gently, with a glance we display our true feelings to each other: we may not have much time left, so let's get down to business. He flings me onto the bed and jumps on top…and we hear a cry from below: "CONTRACT!" oh Roxanne, must you haunt me in my daydreams too? Is there no escape? Sometimes I hate being owned. Just sometimes, because even I have to admit it does have its perks…_

Bekki closed the book with a snap. She was surprised. So those were inner Lexy's thoughts? She'd worked out they were Lexy's thoughts when she got to the bit about hot passionate sex. She'd decided not to carry on because: 1) she felt like it was prying, 2) it went on forever, adding new lines as she was reading it, and 3) it contained nothing about radishes.

2D plastered more glue on his hand – just to make sure, then adjusting his face so it hid all traces of his malicious grin. He turned and said, "It's Will, isn't it?" Whilst offering his hand in a handshake.

"Uh… Yeah," Will said, taking the hand and shaking it. He attempted to remove his hand, but to his horror he discovered it was stuck to 2D's hand. "You bastard," he said, suppressing a delightful grin. 2D was rather hot even if he wasn't as stunning as Legolas. 2D's mouth opened with some witty reply, no doubt, on the tip of his tongue, but it snapped shut as he ducked a green spell flying above his head. He turned to watch it hit his beloved, turning her into a book.

She was a beautiful book, deep brown like the colour of her eyes and he saw her 'friend' Bekki open her and beginning to read. He tried to rush over to protect his love's privacy (so I assumed, but he probably wanted to be first to breach her himself) but was pulled back by the man glued to his right hand. By the time he had dragged Will over to her she'd been lain down on the desk carelessly.

"Miss, miss" he cried, waving his free hand in the air, but received no answer. Remembering Prof. McGonagall's presence, he changed it to a hurried: "Professor, professor! She needs to go to the hospital wing!" Prof. McGonagall immediately hurried over and raised her eyebrows.

"Nonsense," She stated.

"You can't exactly say she's in full health," Bekki argued, suddenly determined that her friend deserved the best care.

"No, but this can be fixed easily," And Prof. McGonagall muttered something under her breath and flicked her wand but to no avail. "What have you done, child?" She turned on Ashlee and gathered the book up in her arms hurrying in the direction of the hospital wing followed by a concerned Bekki, a bored-out-of-skull Roxanne, a worrying-so-much-that-it-is-annoying 2D, and a reluctant Will.

"Oops," Ashlee muttered to herself.

(a/n: By the way, the only reason 2D and Lexy were not making out was because Roxanne was sitting between them waving a photocopy of the Contract around. Yes, 'Contract' does have a capital C. Even though Roxanne did want to sit next to the "drool worthy" Draco, but she couldn't trust Lexy and 2D together.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

The day had been so eventful that everyone headed straight back to their common rooms to 'sleep' and, of course, it wasn't just somewhere they could go to void being yelled at for munching a variety of snacks. Lexy, of course, did not go to hers as she was still in the hospital wing being examined by a confused Madame Pomfrey. To the interest of no one the last page was covered with:

_ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZZ Z ZZZZZZ ZZZ ZZ hot ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZ Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZ passionate ZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZZZZ sex ZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZ ZZZZZZZ…_

Which goes to show, even when we're sleeping the mind still dwells on what we want most.

---

"No I will not fucking sleep with you!"

"Well, I don't know what else we could do since someone so cleverly glued our hands together," decided Will.

"It wasn't me," 2D lied, "Anyway I'd rather sleep with Lexy than you… Much rather…"

"You guys, shut up! You're tainting my innocent mind!" Seamus screamed with a successful result.

"Your 'innocent' mind?" Harry asked, "Since when?"

"Well, Neville's innocent mind anyway," Seamus justified.

"Nope, you've already gotten to me Seamus," Neville chirped happily, seeming unconcerned about the fact Will and 2D were yelling again and it seemed very unlikely that they would shut up.

"I don't want to sleep with you though," 2D whined.

"Well, you don't have much choice, do you? And we all know whose fault that is, don't we?" Chided Will. He was still angry at being dragged – literally – across the transfiguration classroom, and then to the hospital wing and it was time 2D did something Will wanted for a change.

"Well we could always unstick you," suggested Seamus desperate for a little piece and quiet – not realising that 'unstick' isn't a word. He received a glare from Will, and 2D replied:

"Don't you think I haven't already tried that?"

"Did you use the diffindo charm?" Seamus asked.

"That might chop my arm off!" Will shouted.

"So it's worth a try," 2D concluded.

"I'll do it," said Harry, "I need the practise so I can ask guys out," Simply because he wasn't skilled enough to do it by himself. We all know he was thinking about Cedric… He cast the charm non-verbally to show off. There was a flash of green light and 2D and Will flew apart. 2D landed on his bed and then rushed off to hospital wing to see his beloved.

---

Harry walked down the Griffindor tower with Ron and headed towards the Main Hall, he paused to tie up his shoelace on the second floor. He stood and began to walk again.

"Hey, Potter, having a good time with Weasley?" Draco asked, "Perhaps you can teach him to be a better keeper, but then he was born in a bin,"

"You bastard!" Harry yelled, then on a second thought he came up with a better reply: "Suplefy!" Draco gave a small grin and with a lazy flick of his wand he cast a non-verbal shield charm. The spell bounced off and hit Ron, propelling him to the floor.

"Finally we're alone together," whispered Draco stepping closer.

"Works every time; he's so stupid," replied Harry, reaching out and interlocking fingers with Draco. They wasted no more time talking as they knew they had little of it. Instead they ducked into the nearby disused girl's toilets and, ignoring Myrtle's wailing, locked themselves in a cubicle. Draco leant in and kissed him on the neck then, when Harry was gazing awe-struck into his eyes, on the lips. He began to pull away, like before, but he felt Harry's tongue on his lips begging him to continue and willing his lips to part and to let it in.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

"Miss, miss!"

"What is it Ginny? I'm a busy woman,"

"It's Ron, miss, I-I found him in the corridor just outside. H-he was wondering around confused, I-I don't know if he's alright. Yo-you couldn't check him over could you?"

"He looks as if he's been stunned, but if he takes this potion every hour then he'll soon be back on his feet. If not… Well…"

---

"Lefanie, for the last time: I did not take your glasses,"

"Then why are you holding them?" Lefanie answered, looking at her glasses in Lora's hand – even if it was all a little blurry.

"These?" Lora looked down at her hand and thought quickly, "These are… peanuts!"

"Lora, they're my glasses," Lefanie said, obviously not amused by this at all. At this time Ashlee entered the room, just overhearing the last line.

"What glasses would these be?" She asked.

"Just admit it, Lora, you stole my glasses," Lefanie ordered her.

"Why would I do that? It's not as if they taste nice or anything…" Lora said as she received strange looks from Lefanie and Ashlee, "So, I've heard… Fine, I'll give them back. IF you tell them I should be in Slytherin,"

"That's slightly contradicting the point: Slytherins wouldn't give them back. I mean, I'd trust you with my life but not my food, glasses and money," Lefanie was going to continue the list as Lora thought about whether or not to actually give Lefanie her glasses back now.

But at that moment Rincewind tumbled through the air and within seconds was running along the corridor.

"Should I try to stop him?" Ashlee asked.

"Sure," Lora and Lefanie agreed on something for once. Ashlee drew her wand, and since she was so advanced in non-verbal magic Lefanie and Lora didn't know what the spell was before Rincewind collapsed on the floor. Deadly still.

---

"Oww" He moaned and sat up tentatively; vaguely wondering why he wasn't in his four poster. After so crafted detective work Ron realised he wasn't in his dormitory. Then at least ten minutes later he realised he was somewhere else. Careful deliberation found him getting up and wondering about in the hope he would find out more about his surroundings.

---

Lora strolled into the hospital wing and found Madame Pomfrey.

"I don't think he's very well… er… er… We found him in the library and carried him all the way here," Lora was using the logic that if she stood next to Ashlee and Lefanie whilst they were carrying him it meant that all them were doing it. This was three seconds before Lefanie and Ashlee dropped him on the floor, he was far too heavy.

"What did you do to him?" Asked Madame Pomfrey.

"Well," Ashlee admitted, "I kinda stunned him but it was in self-defence, I think he was drunk,"

"Put him next to your friend," This made Lefanie and Ashlee groan as they picked him up again.

As they slung him onto the bed they glanced sadly at Lexy the book. They didn't know it was happening at first, it was so slow. But gradually ever so slowly the cover design of the book merged into Lexy's features and she sat up in the bed. She glanced at Rincewind who had woken up and was staring back at her. She looked quickly away and saw Ashlee. She jumped up and her hands closed round where Ashlee's neck had been a millisecond before. The sound of Ashlee's feet quickly disappeared as she got further and further away. Lexy's sleeves slid back to reveal marker pen writing all up her arm.

"Hot passionate sex," Roxanne appeared next to her, "heh. You wish,"

"And it's in your handwriting," Jazz pointed out who also magically appeared next to Lexy.

"Well, it's not fair, is it? I mean, when she turns into a book she doesn't keep her clothes or anything but as soon as it can incriminate Roxanne _ohh_ better make it carry through the transportation."

Lora shook her head, "Oh Roxanne, talking in third person is the third sign of madness,"

"Hey, Jazz talks in third person," Jazz said, proving Lora's point, "it's so the spy knows what's happening,"

"Of course," Lora soothed patting her head consolingly, almost as if she didn't mind really. After a few quick tests Lexy was discharged and she, Lora, Lefanie, Jazz and Roxanne left to wreck havoc elsewhere.

"Oh luggage, fresh laundry can't help me now," Rincewind sighed, "The girl I love is gone," He began to eat a biscuit. He rolled over to cry into his pillow, and found himself rolling off the bed. A white horse ran through the wall, carrying a skelington wearing a black robe.

"What are you doing here?" Rincewind asked.

_I HAVE COME TO COLLECT YOUR SOUL_

The words didn't bother with the formality of going through his ears, and just appeared in his head.

"But I'm not even dead yet,"

_I CAN CHANGE THAT_

"There was biscuit,"

_FOR YOU THE BISCUIT IS GONE. THERE IS NO MORE BISCUIT. FOR YOU THE DAYS OF BISCUIT EATING IS OVER._

Rincewind was running. What from isn't important. What to isn't important. All that is that he was running. Because if anything else about him running was important I probably would have said by now. Oh, except, Death sighed and followed him.

---

Bekki smiled at her Radish Many.

"Oh, Radish Many," she said, "isn't it such a lovely day today?"

Radish Many did not reply. He was dead. Stone dead. Bekki was crying so loud she didn't noticed Death of Rats, scythe in hand, who had come to collect the poor Radish Many's soul.

"Squeak?" the Radish Many asked.

SQUEAK the Death of Rats replied. That was all that was needed to be said.

---

Lora sat down, to do her Arithmancy homework, and automatically looked for a calculator.

_Muffins, _she thought, _electrical stuff doesn't work here, _and she looked at the book she'd found in the library: A to Z of Useful Spells. She flicked though it, hoping that there was a spell to find out 3√5.

She ran her finger down the 'c' page. '_C_'_, _'_Ce_'_, _'_Ci'- _she missed out the 'co's and went on to '_ca_'. It wasn't there. _Umm… Maybe the writer couldn't spell and thought it was spelt 'co'_, she thought hopefully and looked through the 'co's. She found the Communication Spell.

Which was more important? Arithmancy or contacting the outside world?

She could always tell Prof Vector that her owl ate her homework.

She picked up her wand and closed her eyes.

"Sprechaneu," she said, here she paused thinking which friend to talk to. All her friends were in Hogwarts, "Avni," she substituted. Avni wasn't a friend but she would have to do.

Now if you're stuck in a strange place and have only one chance to contact home (the spell was one use only), what would you do? You could make plans to get home, or give them messages for your family. But _noo _Lora decided to spend her time creating a story where you take it in turns to say sentences, but you only know the last word of the sentence before your's.

This was the conversation:

Hey Anvi.

_Heya, Lora._

I'm stuck at Hogwarts so I may not be home for a while.

_Cool. Do you want to play the game we play in English?_

Sure, I'll start.

Everyday the tortoise went for a swim in the sun.

_Then, suddenly, flying pretzels jumped out of the big, blue, wobbling think and attacked._

The tortoise tried in vein to swim away from the attack but his bad leg stopped him.

_He looked up and saw his girlfriend. Maybe he was hallucinating because his girlfriend had been killed by one of her teachers. She had died of boredom._

He yawned loud, and tried to cover it to hide his embarrassment.

_Luckily, it was not so terrible. He was always humiliated in class, which was een worse, like the last time he was sent to the Head._

"S-sorry, miss," he stuttered, "I-I didn't mean to, it was an accident. Promise,"

_The weirdest promise he had made was to promise not to eat pretzels to the flying pretzels. That was a shame because he loved pretzels._

Shoving into his mouth, next to the pretzels, he put a Tracker Bar to see if it tasted nice. He found it was interesting.

_Then, he died, and they all lived happily ever after._

_The End._

I mean, how stupid can you get? You find a way of contacting the outside world and spend your time doing that. Honestly.

(author shakes head sadly)

---

The Death of Rats ushered the radish to the after-radish-life where presumably there would be (um…) enjoyable things for a radish to do… Eating and, um, dancing… Maybe? The Death of Rats then set about working out how to get back to the Diskworld. He, at least, was much more proactive than Lora.

---

It was lunch, blesséd lunch: a whole hour to do nothing, to relax and to get to work out of your system. Roxanne was bored. As in all schools across the various universes the authorities assumed that everyone only had friends in their own house/class/form. This meant you were only allowed to eat with their people (not that Roxanne ate lunch). Roxanne was fed up of being snided at by Slytherins who had started calling a 'mudblood'. That was the only Slytherin trait she did not admire/possess. Well, in the real world Wotse (©) hadn't stood for segregation and they were not about to start now. She needed a plan. She also needed a Wotse (©) member who was clever (well, at least smarter than Bekki or the Pygmy called Taniz). Her searching eyes found:

Lefanie – too Gryffindor like.

Ashlee – an actual Gryffindor (;p yuk)

Jazz – too easily distracted by the 'floating food'

Lexy – too busy doing- "Contract!" Roxanne found herself shouting.

That left Lora. She wasn't perfect, but she'd have to do. Roxanne wondered over to the Ravenclaw table, and told Lora that if she helped her, she's get her (Lora) a trial run in Slytherin. That was exactly what Lora wanted.

Roxanne produced a chainsaw, and murmured something about 'seeing it on a shelf in Tesco for half price' and 'couldn't resist'. The two of them marched up to some Hufflepuffs, and glared menacingly at them until they exploded. Then used their (Lora had decided the chainsaw belonged to her as much as to Roxanne) chainsaw to separate the end of the table from the rest.

Now as I'm sure you know, a table has four legs, two at either end. And (as you probably know from experience) when it is cut in half, it no longer has two legs at each end. So the freshly cut edge falls to the floor, making the table top slant and no longer suitable to store food on. You know all this.

The table didn't. Magic had been used in Hogwarts for many years. Each time a spell is cast the air absorbs some of the residue. Only a little mind, but imagine that, building up over hundreds of years… This gives belief substance. The table believed, very strongly, that it would not 'fall' or become 'unsuitable'. That was for lesser beings, the working class.

The table was dragged to the centre of the room, where the Wotse (©) members brought their plates and themselves, and Jazz. They settled down to discuss the morning's events, and when the next 'Hot Guy Spotting' trip would be (hopefully soon) and other important matters. The rest of Hogwarts had decided it was best to ignore the 'dangerous rebels' ask Laura

Then Luna Lovegood wondered over. Wotse (©) members fell silent. Heads turned. Lefanie even stopped running in circles around Lora who was hiding Lefanie's book behind her back, and shuffling round so Lefanie couldn't see it; whilst denying loudly her knowledge of its existence let alone the whereabouts of it.

"I just wanted to say, thank you," Luna said, "The table is much happier now,"

"I think you'd better sit down," Taniz replied, Luna certainly counted as a weirdo, and it was possible they were in the south-east, who knew?

Bekki stared at Luna's earrings, "Radish," she said, "ear? Radish ear?" she was very confused.

---

Bekki jumped onto the hovering broomstick and yelled: 'Giddy-up'. She surprised herself by being the first to zoom off into the distance. Well her broom zoomed off into the distance. She didn't. The broom turned round to go back to its owner (Bekki for now) and her squarely on the nose. With shock, Bekki toppled back-wards into the lake.

"Bekki," Lora accused, "Is it raining outside? I think not. You fell into the lake didn't you?"

"No… I… umm… Fell into a puddle! Right… That was situated in the middle of the lake…" Bekki replied. Everyone was shocked into silence. Bekki had used a long word! They were still standing there staring at her when Madam Hooch (or whatever her name is) appeared. She explained what to do, and no one listened of course. It's always much more fun to work it out later.

(a/n: Italics or brackets is Roxanne. this is Lora, or non-itlaics Understand? Good.)

_Jazz had noticed a flying pineapple and instantly jumped on the nearby broom to follow it halfway through the teacher's explanation._

Lefanie decided that flying was way too easy, so cast a spell that made the teacher believe she was paying attention, so she could do whatever she wanted. _This meant she could lie at the edge of the field and get a sun tan. Seamus was watching with a pair of binoculars from the top of the Gryffindor tower. Pervert. _But that would mean he would see her… She desperately wishes him to, but she'll never admit it. _Because she's smart enough to realise we'd mock her… Which is exactly what we're doing. _Anyway so she decided to sneak off to meet with him… _But since this is a clean chapter we won't say what happened._

Ashlee was playing Speed (a card game) with Lora. Using only one hand. They were both sitting on their brooms, to practice flying. The only flaw with their plan was that the brooms were on the floor. _Of course they were because if they were flying the cards would have fallen to the floor. They could have used Lefanie to cast that spell everyone except I know, but since she was busy with Seamus she couldn't. _They all knew what she was doing, they just wished they didn't. _Since people like Roxanne and Lora had very vivid imaginations they __**really**__ didn't want that image in their minds._

Thanks for that, Roxanne, now it is in my mind. (_smiles. Since Lora is angry at me, I'll make her lose at cards to Ashlee.)_

_Then Ashlee won the card game. _But she cheated so Lora won by default, and then seemingly for no reason at all, Lora hit Roxanne on the head. **VERY **hard. _But Roxanne quickly placed Bekki in her place and let Lora hit Bekki instead. __**VERY **__hard. This made Bekki go into one of her fits and hit everyone close. __**VERY **__hard. Aka. Lora. _

Lora stopped her by yelling: "You smell!" and making her cry. Then she got out a gun and started shooting in the general direction of Roxanne. _Roxanne dodged the bullets and checked her pockets and realised it was her gun! Lora must have stolen it when she had hit Roxanne. __**VERY **__hard. Roxanne grabbed her squash racket – because __squash is the best__ – and ran at Lora at full speed._

Lora poked her tongue out at Roxanne. _Roxanne was soon enraged, she ran quicker and smacked Lora over the nose with the racket._

dies and the first thing Roxanne is going to think is: 'at least I got my gun back' How cruel.

_Lora was dead. But at least I got my gun back. _Told you. Oh yeah! Being deadness. shuts up

_What happened to the flying lesson?_

Actually getting back to me. I want to be the centre of attention.

…_Right. That's it. I'm leaving. Why am I even here? This is your chapter. (climbs out window)_

We are outside flying. Which window?

_(climbs __**in**__ window) The kitchen (about to cut a cake) A knife… (searched) (finds spoons) Damn you, Alanis!_

10 thousand spoons in fact, and that isn't even ironic. It would be ironic if the next day you discovered the spoon would have done the job.

_How the hell can you cut a (vegetarian) cheesecake with a spoon?!_

Easily, what do you think I spend photography class doing? There was a knife. I just didn't want to use it.

_I'm leaving. This is your chapter not mine!!!_

reincarnates Being dead is boring. Hey, I missed the flying lesson. Oh well.

---

Review and comment. Thank you. Yeah… That was pretty random, wasn't it?

…


	6. S1: Chapter 5

disclaimer: we do not own any of the characters within this other then the characters in wotse. however bekki is owned by various other wotse members and her smell belongs to oxfam. lexy is owned by roxie.

2d belongs to murdoc and both of them belong to jamie hewlett. you know who the rest belong to. enjoy the chapter!!

* * *

Bekki stared at the classroom surrounding her and sighed. Loudly. She turned to Lexy and pondered for a brief moment what she would do to her if she disrupted her concentration by poking her… probably hit her...

That would not be good. And she might cry… ok. Not so good at the poking idea. She looked at what Lexy was doing for a moment and finally realised why she had continued to squeak every so often, with her tongue sticking out one side.  
It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Mass piles and piles of the bronze and golden through dirt substance. They glistened in the dim light of the charms classroom and caused Taniz, Lora, Jazz and 2d to stare in wonder.  
It was the biggest collection of two p coins made to look like the empire state building that Bekki had ever seen.  
She forgot all about poking her and could only wonder at the attention to detail her best friend put in to the most useless of skills. Two days ago Becky had offered to give Lexy her remaining two p coins, knowing full well that Lexy collected them so that she could drop them on the floor on the way home and make people happy by picking them up (a random pastime that 2d had stated was very Buddhist and selfless but Lexy had replied it was just cause you cant get two p sweets anymore as they are all for ten p.)  
It was three in the afternoon and the Gryffindor and Ravenclaws were bored out of their minds, stuck in double charms. This so far had felt more alike, triple, quadruple, octaple charms. The charms teacher continued to drone on and on and on and on and on. Every so often Bekki or Lexy or 2d would scream and someone would wake up only to see one of the said people in tears of frustration.  
"Do you think that there's a charm on that clock?" Lora asked Bekki, distracting her from the gaze towards the wondrous two p tower.  
"Meh, like someone threw a bracelet up there? I don't know I can't see I can't be bothered to move my head, im too tired." Bekki replied, barely moving her eyes from the empire state building. Many other people in the classroom also bored to death had begun to watch as the two p building became slowly taller and more amazing by the second.  
"A magic charm dear, a magic charm, on the clock" Lexy explained "a magicy type charm, Taniz got her bracelet off of there about ten minutes ago."  
"Oh, right, Erm….that would make sense, I mean we have been her for far longer than a lesson usually is….Oy, Professor Flitwick!" Bekki yelled, causing everyone asleep to wake up and Lexy to jump suddenly, her concentration lost, the tower shook ever so slightly. 2d and Taniz froze and stared at it in shock, before it stayed unmoving and a sigh of relief was shared.  
"Is that clock right?" Bekki asked as the teacher began dropping heavy, scary looking ancient books on each table.  
"Hmmm" he pondered. "You know, I have no idea, let me go and check." And with that he dropped the heavy book on the table directly onto the empire state building; silence swept across the classroom as the only voice of Professor Flitwick was heard telling all the students that they should have ended the lesson two hours ago, and that if they didn't hurry they would be far later for the Quidditch match, having just missed dinner in the great hall. As everyone ran for the door, before they were forced to spend any longer than necessary in the horrible classroom, Taniz assisted with Lora and Jazz by picking up the two ps rolling along the floor and Bekki and 2d tried to drag Lexy out of the door as quickly as possible so that the curses she continued to yell at Professor Flitwick would not be heard.

"Where in the name of Russell Howard were you lot?"  
"And what the hell happened to Lexy? She hasn't stopped crying for the past ten minutes, all I can make out is something about the empire state building and various mumblings about what the hell is she meant to do with her life now that the pennies have gone!" Leffy and Roxie took it in turns to question their extremely tired and annoyed friends.  
Taniz took in a deep breath before explaining.  
" Flitwick is an idiot. 2. Lexy knows far too many swearwords"  
"And 3. Where the hell where you Leffy? You were supposed to be getting bored out of your mind in charms with us!" Jazz added.  
They all turned to stare at Leffy, Roxie and Ashlee who was trying rather bemusedly to comfort Lexy with the help of 2d. Finally noticing the strange outfit emblazoned in blue that Leffy was wearing, and the broom in her hand.  
"She's on the Quidditch team for Ravenclaws, im on for Hufflepuff, Ashlee is cheerleading and um…what are you doing again Annie?" Bekki stated bounding out of nowhere, dressed from head to foot in lurid yellow.  
Roxie stared at her evilly before answering  
"It's a surprise, which I will need the assistance of my s*x kitten for. LEXY!" She clicked her fingers and Lexy appeared by her side, still crying and sniffling.  
"Taniz, Lora, Jazz, Murdoc and Erm...Whatsisface, follow me; Lexy...I need you to get supplies. Good luck in the match, guys, we wish you all the best and we will be waiting in the wings..."  
Roxie ordered and saluted the three staring schoolgirls as a final goodbye as Lexy ran in the opposite direction, a huge rucksack on her back and a walkie talkie attached to her belt.  
"I didn't know stadiums had wings…" Ashlee pondered looking at Leffy worriedly. Leffy turned back and sighed slightly, not caring anymore after seeing so many insane plans of Roxie's creation.  
"They don't."

"Welcome to the first Quidditch match of the season, I, Lee Jordan, will be commentating on the match today, as you can see the weather is lovely and sunny and OWWWWWW! PROFESSOR MCGOWNAGOL! THAT SLYTHERIN B*TCH JUST KNICKED MY MIKE! HEY WHERE DID YOU GET TO THAT CHAINSAW? NOOOOOOOOOO…ARGH! GET THAT BL*ODY S*TANIST AWAY FROM ME...NOOOOOOO!"  
"Ahem. Im sorry to say but Lee Jordan is temporarily unavailable for the match" Lora's voice spoke over the microphone. "It appears he is suffering from a serious case of Erm…."  
"Leprosy" Murdoc stated  
"Yes, so we will be commentating instead! Enjoy the match!" Lora ended and switched the PA system off.

Bekki sat up on her broom away from the crowds and the other Quidditch players. It was nice up here, up in the sky, with the birds, and she couldn't see Neville anywhere so she was very happy.

Although the first commentary had worried her a little, surely chainsaws were a bit drastic, just for the purpose of gaining the best seats in the stands. Even if the commentator's box was said to have many beautiful things, for example the fact that instead of it being a row of seats alike the other stands, it was a giant room in which the sound system for the microphone was held. Due to the fact that it contained all the connection leads for the microphone and speakers, it was obviously the only place in which useful and very entertaining things like laptops or televisions worked. And they had those big squishy leather chairs and huge tables and a microwave and ...G*d d*mmit. No wonder Roxie had wanted the place; even Bekki was beginning to get jealous. The view of skies and the ability to fly without falling, like every human dreams of, seemed rather trivial now. She wanted a Dr Pepper, nicely cooled from the huge fridge the room was said to have and to play the play station three. But oh no, the whistle was being blown and a little sparkly yellow thing was whizzing around suddenly, maybe time for chairs later. Bekki wanted to beat Leffy at something, and a sport which Leffy had never played in her life, seemed like a good idea. What use were math calculations when all you had to do was throw a ball through a hoop? She flew down, grabbed the quaffel and to the surprise of everyone, and the happiness of Hufflepuff, scored a goal, she started to smile, this for once, was easy.

"Ok. Seventeen bottles of Malibu, two boxes of kinder beuno bars, one big bottle of vodka, thirteen boxes of Jaffa cakes, two boxes of wagon wheels, three subway sandwiches, two huge bottles of dr pepper and one giant pack collection of pom bears."  
"And the orange and green tick tacks" Lora yelled.  
"And the orange and green tick tacks" Lexy finished.  
"And the chocolate fondue" Taniz shouted.  
"Yes that too. Anything else?"  
"Pack of bazooka bubblegum two pints of larger and a packet of crisps." Roxie continued, regaining the walkie talkie out of Taniz and Lora's hands.  
"How am I going to get a pint of larger into a rucksack?"  
"Hmmm… drink the larger, as you'll need the energy, oh and get four bottles of baileys"  
"AND SOME WHISKY!" Murdoc yelled over Roxie's voice  
"Oh yeah, the whiskey." Roxie stated, counting off on her fingers  
"five bottles should do it"  
"AND WE NEED THE RUM" Captain Jack yelled.  
"And the rum, knew id forgotten something" Roxie grinned down the walkie talkie "got that, Lex? Get up the steps of the fifth pillar and when you get to the top of the stairs knock the doctor who master drums thing and say the password."  
"What's the password?" Lexy asked completing the charm to give the rucksack Mary Poppins style proportions.  
"Meer cats eat hot potatoes at midnight"  
"Why in the name of full on pelvic thr*st bass sh*gging is that the password?"  
"BECAUSE IT'S SO INSANE YOU CAN NEVER FORGET IT!" Jazz randomly yelled down the walkie talkie as the noise of the party got too loud. Roxie turned it off with a beep leaving Lexy to stare at the walkie talkie in disbelief. She pondered briefly how she had ever got caught up in this madness before remembering that she was as mad as the rest of them.  
"Wonder how Leffy, Ashlee and Bekki are doing?" she thought to herself as she pulled the rucksack onto her back, the sharp pain of the weight of it made her gasp and she almost didn't get up, if it  
weren't for the thought of maybe 2d giving her a back rub to sort her back out later. She smiled at these thoughts, before noticing her walkie talkie flashing with one message in red. CONTRACT. G*d d*mmit. Lexy sighed and started her walk towards the stairs.

Lora stared out the giant window and sighed. The stand was very tall and she had become very bored. Yes, there was internet access and a giant TV and yes, there was a promise of tropical tic tacs on the way carried by Lexy. But what did it all mean to her? Alcohol and loud music was fun but what she really wanted right then was something unique. Something beautiful. Something…shiny. .with wings.  
"Accio snitch!" Lora cried and felt the beautiful tiny shiny thing flutter in her hand. She stared at the game and waited. What if they knew she had taken it? Then she would be in lots and lots of trouble…  
But then how could they possibly know? She counted till twenty in her head. Nothing happened. Bekki continued to fly around and score goals while Leffy hit bludger after bludger at Shaemus, who was in fact sitting in the stands and was not part of the game. She had done it. With a grin of sheer bliss she released the snitch from her hands and watched it fly around the room. Taniz and Jazz joined her in watching its silvery beauty flutter near enough to be captured but flying higher each time they attempted to.  
And still the game played on.

42 minutes later and still the game outside continued. The score had gone from Ravenclaw: 50 Hufflepuff: 60 to Ravenclaw: 180 and Hufflepuff: was Hufflepuffs and Bekki's greatest moment except no one noticed apart from the people playing the game. Nearly everyone in the stands  
was asleep and everyone in the commentator's box was too busy watching 2d kick Murdoc's *ss on tekken five on the playstation two. Lora and Jazz continued to play with the snitch while Roxie and Taniz had become worried.  
"That was a lot of things to carry Rox" Taniz stated for the hundredth time in the past ten minutes.  
"Don't you think I know that? I told her to drink the larger, see? Even if she can't carry the weight at least she'll be too p*ssed to know she can't carry it." They paused momentarily stumped.  
"Maybe we should try the walkie talkie again?" Taniz suggested.  
" Yeah but last time we did that all we heard was large amounts of swearing and her going on and on about her much her back hurt" Roxie replied.  
"True" Taniz sighed before jumping to her feet as the door swung open and Lexy and Ashlee appeared, Ashlee had her arm round Lexy's shoulders, propping her up as she carried the huge rucksack.  
2d finished the game by doing a full on chest kick and winning the match entirely before running to her rescue and letting Ashlee go while Lexy collapsed on him.

"Which one of you idiots decided to make Lexy carry more than she weighs up the tower stairs while she has asthma?" Ashlee yelled while she took the large rucksack off of her shoulders.  
"Taniz what did I tell you? Honestly I swear you have no feelings some times, Lexy could have been hurt!" Roxie cried going over to Lexy before backing away at the evils Lexy, 2d and Ashlee gave her.  
"Her" was all Lexy stated before Ashlee picked up the cheerleading baton she had used earlier and whacked Roxie painfully around the head. "OW. Ok, ok, IL try not to do it again! How did you even find her anyway? I thought you were supposed to be cheerleading!" Ashlee gave Roxie another dirty look before explaining.  
"We went on a break, cause we were all so knackered after all the cheerleading and it felt like that game had been going on for hours. I went to get a glass of water from the table near the stairs to the  
commentator's box and heard Lexy crying whilst struggling to breath. She'd collapsed onto one of the steps near to the top and by the looks of things could barely move. So I carried her and this stupid bag all the way up here. I don't want to go back to the cheerleading though, it's really cold and that game is taking forever."

"Thank you" Lexy hugged Ashlee before being lead away by 2d to rest on the sofa and be fed pom bears.  
"What the h*ll is in this bag anyway?" Ashlee asked "it weighs a ton!"  
"I bet it does" Roxie laughed and began pulling out the numerous bottles and snacks.  
"FINALLY!" Captain Jack yelled as the rum was produced form the bag and all the bottles were laid out on the side as Murdoc began pulling out glasses and various fruits and setting out a bar.  
The party had finally begun.

Thirty minutes later Taniz had a headache and Jazz had decided to go with her to find some paracetemal because someone had dropped the snitch in a glass of wine and it could no longer fly in a straight line. Along the way out of the quidditch stadium and to Madame Pomfrey's they spotted the most faved pairing out of the Harry Potter world arguing.  
"Draco for once in your life will you shut up! As if I would ever kiss Ginny Weasley! She's physically repulsive! And I am not going to marry her!" Harry screamed. "Now come off it alright! Im late for the  
quidditch match!"  
"But you're not even playing today and im fed up of you lying to me!  
You may not want to talk about this but everyone else does! That ginger freak has been writing Mrs Ginny Potter on any piece of paper that comes her way! You can't honestly be telling me that she just  
decided to fall in love with you by your looks alone! You have to have done something with her to make her like you. I didn't even like you when I met you, even when you continued to pester me when everyone else's backs were turned. Remember how you had to tie me down during that first time or has that head of yours become so full of self obsession that you cant even comprehend someone else's experiences?"  
Taniz and Jazz stopped and stared at each other.  
"It's a shame Roxie isn't here to hear this." Jazz shook her head sadly.  
"You say it as if she's dead" Taniz pondered.  
"Well, you never know and besides she WOULD really want to be hearing this, I mean its Draco talking about b*ndage."  
"True. Do you think there's some way of recording it?" Taniz asked staring into the room in which Harry and Draco were in arguing before realising it was the broom cupboard. She smiled as Jazz noticed too that a CCTV camera had already been installed by Filch and it was on the perfect angle to see exactly what the y*oi couple were doing. All it needed was too be switched on.  
"Hmm" Jazz hmmed. "I have an idea."

Lexy and Roxie laughed loudly as they flicked through the footage from the various CCTV cameras hidden around school. Fred and George having s*x, Hermione and Viktor Krum in the library having s*x eventually settling on the 2d and Murdoc footage.2d looked worriedly at Lexy who was staring at the screen and hadn't spoken since the video of him and the Said horny bassist up to no good had appeared. Roxie had her arm ready to hit 2d in case Lexy suddenly became upset at him.  
"You know he made me do it and I didn't want to and I never really want to and its, its Murdoc you know?"2d said quickly his arms round her, trying to get her to look at him.  
Lexy turned to him, "of course I know, actually I was wondering if it's possible to record of off this thing..." He grinned; Roxie pondered whether to hit him anyway for the fun of it when she was distracted by her phone going off.  
"Hello? Hi Jazz did you find the paracetemal? Or anymore rum? No? Oh well, I think he wont be up again for a number of hours anyway. Erm hang on a second..."  
She looked at Lexy "hey could you turn err camera number three on and press the record button, Taniz and Jazz say it's urgent." Roxie asked her head on one side as she held the phone to her ear.  
"Sure" Lexy replied as Ashlee put another blank tape in (after giving Lexy the one with the Murdoc 2d footage on it) and pressed record onto camera three. The screen flashed for a moment before Draco and Harry appeared. They were stood at either end of the room. Their fists clenched. In the corner of the screen Taniz and Jazz could be seen waving manically at the camera.  
"Yeah all right we can see you!" Roxie yelled before Lora stated  
"ooh Jazz is on TV!" and came and sat down on the floor beside Ashlee, 2d, Roxie, Lexy and Murdoc. And the sleeping snitch.

They all pondered briefly what their friends were doing near the door before they heard Harry suddenly say "Oh my g*d we're locked in!" And Taniz and Jazz legged it back towards the commentators box giggling.

"Wicked!" Roxie laughed as she switched her phone off before rubbing her hands together evilly.  
The sound was perfect, the lighting was great and Ashlee had just made a full bowl of popcorn.  
This was going to be good.

She leaned forward a little to turn the sound up and as she did so,  
her elbow hit the speaker system on. Outside in the stadium the noise of the CCTV footage could be heard and the comments by the audience whilst they munched happily on their freshly made popcorn.

Bekki decided to stop throwing the quaffel around and rest instead on her broom. She was high enough not to see Neville waving his "I love you Bekki!" banner he had made for the match but she was low enough so that she could hear the commentary in case the snitch was ever found. She sighed and smiled weakly. Today had been good. If a little tiring. She had almost beaten Leffy at sports, watched Shaemus be beaten so badly he couldn't open his eyes they had bruised so much and she had  
had her favourite breakfast that morning of cheerios. She was about to fly back down to the match when a loud squeak from the speakers hit her ears and she paused to listen. To her surprise it was Harry and Draco's voices. And the strange noise of what sounded like popcorn being eaten.

"Look, I don't get what's wrong with you. Just because some ugly skanky girl is convinced im her soulmate you don't have to get all offended."  
"Yes I do" Draco's voice replied. "You're just not getting this! I don't want some stupid little bint writing Mrs Potter on everything and discussing what wedding dress she is going to wear alright!"  
"No!" Harry yelled back. "It is not alright! Why do you care so g*d d*mn much! I thought you hated me, since you make a point of mentioning how I forced you on our first time, which I can't seem to recall. And anyway! I did make sure you c*me. Which I thought was quite good of me seeing as you were always such a moaning little b*tch!"  
"You really don't know why I care so g*d d*mn much Potter? You really can't figure it out? Want me to spell it out for you?"  
"Fine go on then if you think im so thick!"  
"I LOVE IDIOT!" Draco's voice yelled over the PA system. Everyone in the stadium and the commentator's box had gone quiet, all desperate to hear what would happen next.  
"Draco." Harry's voice had become softer and there were shuffling noise that sounded as though Harry was trying to hug Draco.  
"Draco. Of course I get it. I love you to."  
"You, do?" Draco whispered, his voice shook as though near crying.  
"Of course I do" Harry replied, "I always have" and then there were sounds of what was obviously them kissing.  
Bekki felt tears in her eyes at the fluffness of it all until she heard 2ds voice over the speakers.  
"Murdoc, why can't we be like that? See, that's nice, and they have fun. No screaming and pain."  
Then Roxie's voice was heard. "Im sorry 2d but you don't count, Draco only gets treated like that because he is a non submissive character, whereas you alike Lexy are furry characters."  
"What the h*ll is a furry character?" Lexy's voice asked.  
"Look it up on wikipedia" the voice of Roxie replied again.  
"Ashlee! What is a furry character? Lexy asked again.  
"It means you get r*ped all the time, or almost r*ped. Like like Ryo in Fake. Or mitsuo in eerie quieerie." Taniz's voice answered.  
There was a pause when Harry's moans were heard over the speakers when 2d said  
"Wait, I don't get r*ped all the time!"  
"Of course you don't" Murdoc replied. "You're always fully in control of whatever s*xual situation you end up in."

Roxie laughed.  
"Yes I am actually!" 2d replied. "Aren't I Lexy?"  
"Of course you are honey, but can you be quiet I want to hear how high-pitched Harry's voice can get before breaking." Lexy's voice was heard finally on the speaker.

The stadium was silent for a while as everyone listened to the sounds of Draco and Harry's lovemaking before they finished thirty minutes later. The sound of a tape being ejected was heard next and Roxie's voice saying  
"Erm ill think you'll find that's mine Lexy, give it back."  
"Awww. But I want it."  
"Don't worry, it'll be on Youtube within the week" Roxie smiled  
"Oh, k then." Lexy finished before the sound of a door being broken in and Professor McGonagall yelled  
"There, ive found you. Now this game can finally be finished! Give me that snitch girl!"

"S*IT! IT'S THE FILTH. GRAB THE ALCOHOL AND RUN, RUN, RUN!" Roxie's voice screamed as the sounds of Ashlee, Taniz, Lora, Jazz, 2d, Murdoc and Lexy swearing and screaming were heard along with clanks of bottles and vast running down stairs. Professor McGonagall's voice was heard finally over the PA system.  
"Ive found the snitch. Erm. God this place is a mess. Hufflepuff win!"

It was thirty minutes later after everyone had calmed down from the running and swearing escapade of the End of the quidditch match. They were seated in the changing rooms with Leffy and Bekki who continued to yell  
"Yes! I beat Leffy at something! Yes!"  
"So let me get this straight" Leffy asked Ignoring Bekki.  
"You forced Lexy to carry enough items of food and drink to kill her, made Ashlee attack you using a baton, let Lora steal the snitch so I just wasted three hours of my life on a broomstick, got the snitch so  
pissed it had to go to Madame Pomfrey, pushed Draco and Harry into a broom cupboard and locked them in there, broke Ginny Weasley's heart from hearing the sounds of Draco and Harry having sex that you just accidentally managed to put onto the speaker system so that the entire school heard it and knows that they are gay and you severed the majority of Lee Jordan's limbs off." Leffy finished.  
"Yes, while you practically killed Shaemus and were beaten single headedly by Bekki at quidditch." Roxie replied in an even more shocked tone than Leffy's. Leffy nodded.  
"God it's been one h*ll of a day hasn't it?" Ashlee sighed.  
Before everyone nodded and decided to head to the main hall to see if they could get food poisoning before bed time.

* * *

Yay. It is finished! Finally. It has been a heck of a long wait but in the middle of writing this fanfiction certain members of wotse have gone to certain other areas of England e.g. sixth forms, college etc and so the writing has been slightly left with bekki and me (lexy), (with the others still writing of course, but we have to send it via emails etc. which explains the asterix in a lot of the swear words because our email system wouldn't let the emails be sent with those words. Grr) so I hope you liked my instalment of the fanfic and the next part (by bekki) (introducing a new character who is in wotse Dunn dun dun!!!) will be hopefully on here soon!

Lots of love and huggles

Lexy (Littlemisssexkitty)

Xx


End file.
